April Fool's - Four More

SCHOOL AGED BOYS

At an early age, before the youngest could read, they had a before-the-bus routine made of pictures.  It was cut as a flap so that the tasks could be checked off on the second sheet of paper behind it.  Look at the little pencil drawing - that's supposed to be a gerbil.  Yah, I'm not the best.  I know it looks like a mouse.  It was added when the boys got the little proliferous caged pet.

So, it's make your bed, run through your piano piece a couple times, and then ends with tie your shoes (before velcro) and comb your hair. 

Well, that morning, April Fool's day, I'd set ALL the clocks in the house back one hour.  No one noticed, wink-wink.

Then when the bus didn't come and didn't come, they traipsed back to the house.  It was a little walk down the long driveway from the mailbox.

"April Fool's!"  I proclaimed.

The trick was on me, though, they had to sit and twiddle their thumbs for the remainder of time!

Dad and Me

Almost every year I have a garage sale, most summers I have 3.  Even when we first got married and lived in Elwood, I had a garage sale or two.  Here at Noblesville it would glean me some disposable cash, pay school book rental,  reacquaintence with friends and relatives, and all because there is a flea market about a mile up the road every Thursday.  It's fun.

Well, I wasn't paying much attention.  I was busy.  

Late that afternoon Dad called.

"Pam, we forgot and left some boxes over at the office next door.  They're full of rummage.  You can go get them, they're for you.  Just help yourself."

Sure.  I went.  No boxes.

"Uh, Dad, there weren't any boxes over there.  Where did you say they were?"

"April Fool's!"

He loved it.  He had quite a chuckle.

IAN

One year I didn't put much thought into it.  I just hid the men's deodorant, and replaced them with my Avon's Sweet Honesty.  Ian had a fit!

SPENCER

I advanced ALL the clocks for April Fool's Day.

Spencer wasn't fooled, he changed 'em back without saying a word.

I switched the sugar for the salt.

Spencer wasn't fooled, he never saw the bowl, instead went straight for the sugar canister.

I yelled, though it wasn't true, and I half-jumped out of my seat  to give proof to action, "There's the bus!"  He ran for the door.

Spencer was fooled!

RUSTY

Besides having a cousin Jack, Rusty had a dog named Jacque, so that evening I called him asking to speak to Jack.  

"I know he's there, would you put him on the phone,  please?"  

"Mom.  I don't who told you that but Jack isn't here."  

"Yes he is, I hear him barking in the background."  

"What? ....oh."

"April Fool's, Rusty!"

       

April Fool's Just Between Us!

John had a '62 Chevy II in the garage.  It was honestly, cross-my-heart, a one owner by a little old lady living on St. Rd. 32.  He loved that car.  Then someone hit him in the radiator.

It got parked 'cause parts that old, especially the grill, were difficult to find.  He eventually put a '63 grill on it.

Next door neighbor boy had a BB gun.

I called John at work.

"I'm so sorry, but the neighbor boy just shot a BB through our garage door window.  It went through and hit the windshield of your car!"

"Did it hurt it?"

"Well, the windshield's suffering, I'm sorry."

"I'll be home soon!"

He headed for the garage side door in a panic, I had to stop him short.  

"April Fool's!"

         ***

Years ago, when we first moved into the story and a half barn style house, I pulled a prank on John for April Fool's day.  I switched his cereals.  

When I switched the yellow crunchy squares with the flaky flakes, it was a fun day.

You see, to get to work hubby John would get up before the rest of the family. A bit later the boys would wake up to prep for school. But the night before I had been busy.

I opened two NEW cereal boxes from the bottom, and pulled out the wax bags of Cap’n Crunch, (Quaker) and corn flakes (Kellogg’s), and switched them. Then I resealed both with glue. I was sure the glue would be dry by morning.

He came un-glued.  When he sat down at the table with bowl, spoon, and cold milk, and opened the flakes, out came the yellow crunchy squares! He did a double take!

Later, telling the story to others, he said, “I was getting ready to call Quaker’s 800 number to tell them they had no quality control out there. Their Cap’n was a quack!” 

But how did Kellogg’s get into Quaker and Quaker into Kellogg’s?
He had looked at me with a squint.

I said the only thing I could say, “April Fool’s!”

   ***

We can't forget the April Fool's day "for Sale" sign. While we lived in Elwood, John also owned four acres in rural Noblesville on the highway.  He would pass it twice a day to and from work, so I put a "For Sale" sign on it.   When he saw THAT he braked and veered, entered the side ditch, and whipped it out of the ground.  Cha-ching!  In the truck!  "Lucy had some 's'plainin' to do when he got home"!

***

And then there was the tit-for-tat,

John had to get me back.  

"John, there's white smoke coming from the mini van!"  I'd called him at work.  I wanted to know what to do about the yellow caravan overheating.  "Shall I drive it home anyway?   Or should I park it and call for help?  Sweety, this is NOT an April Fool's joke!" 

"Ah, honey, it's ok.  Go ahead and drive it home."  So I did.  Called him again.

"Are you sure it's okay to drive?   There's white smoke billowing out and the gauge reads hot."

"Really?  There's smoke?  This is April Fool's day."

"I'm serious, John.  This is not an April Fools!  It's not!"

"Yah, it's alright.  There's nothing to worry about."

"I mean it, John!  I'm not trying to April Fool you!  The smoke is rolling from the engine and coming into the house!  What do you want me to do?"  

I had parked the van at the gate, the smoke was wafting along the side of the cedar sided house and was drifting into the sliding glass doors.  Of course, it make us choke!

"Go ahead and drive it."  He turns to his co-worker buddy, "It's April Fool's day."

But....I wasn't fooling.  The machinist at B & C said he could fix a cracked head, until he saw it.  Where John took the engine in to be turned, the man said, "There's so many cracks and fine lines, it's like some one intentionally drove it without any water!"

That little Fool cost us $750!

In the meantime, John had been planning a little trick on his own on me.  I got a phone call from a John's co-worker.  

"John's stuck at the Marathon station at 37 and Greenfield Ave.  He said he needs you to come pick him up."  

So I did.

John wasn't stuck, 

he just wanted me to pick him up, 

he was still thinking I was pulling a prank.  

Fooled him!

The caravan truly ran hot and smoked!

And it truly needed a new crank!

(crank - get it?  pun fun)

     ***

Then there was the time we were waiting and waiting for a new countertop to come in.  

In the kitchen I'd been seeing unusual bugs.

Then John got to inspecting and we had water damage, the dishwasher had been leaking,

Well, the previous owners had laid parquet flooring over top linoleum, so the water was being held, or puddled, between the two.  It had ran to under the cabinets and warped everything,

Needless to say, insurance paid for us a new floor and new cabinets and the countertops had to be especially made.

One day, we were coming up on the holiday seasons, in October I got a phone call.  "Ma'am, I'm sorry to tell you this but we've had a factory fire, and losses included your counter tops."

"Seriously?  A facory fire?  How long does that put us back?  I really need my kitchen, I've got a bunch of boys to feed!"

"Ma'am, I don't know how long.  It's going to be a long time.  Several, several weeks!"

Then there was a commotion in the background.  John came on the line (we had landline telephones back then), "Hi honey."

"What are you doing there at the factory, and a fire?  Whaaaaa?"

He said, "It's not true.  There was no fire.  April Fool's!"

Oh, I could've killed him!

Beetle Juiced

"Click, click, click.  Click, click, click."

I turn on the lights.

Over her bed the wall is green, green burlap.  It was intended, in our teenage years, to be a place to pin posters and photographs and kissy lips love letters.

I can see it all from my side of the room where I'm sleeping on a matching twin bed.  

There's a long tall window at the end of the room, showing only the dark of night, it's opposite the door.  And there's two closets, one for each of us, framed out into the room.  My chest of drawers' on my side, her chest of drawers' on her side.  Also, there's a floor to ceiling bookcase for her and a floor to ceiling bookcase for me made by our older brother.  Thus, we felt an invisible divide for private space.  

But, I can't sleep.

"Click, click, click.  Click, click, click."

Where's that sound coming from?  So irritating.

I go to the window to peer out, and look all around the sill and trim.  We live on a farm, and there could be 'coons, owls, possums, anything in the tree outside the window.  Shoot, even our youngest brother could be teasing us with pecks of pea gravel on the window glass.  You never knew.

There!  I hear it again.  Behind me.

Turning around, following the sounds, I'm led back to my bed.  What on earth!

I look under the bed, around the bed, behind the bed, pull back the covers of the bed.  Nothing!

"Click, click, click.  Click, click, click."

The radio?  Is it coming from the radio?  I check the volume button, and the alarm, and the durn thing is all turned off but it's definietly got a clicking noise coming from it.  It doesn't make a bit of sense!

As I'm giving this yellowed-from-age radio alarm clock a twist this way and that, turning it over doing detective things with my eyes and ears, those clicking sounds stop!  

Out from the grille which is over the scrim cloth covered speaker comes crawling a ...... black beetle!!! 

 I was beetle juiced!

Humpth, I'll bet he was, too!

That speaker had amplified his night time activity! 

"Click, click, click.  Click, click, click."

Eclipse With The Man From Utah

  

     

      There we stood, him and I, on the white lines of the state highway, strangers, in the dark, black as night.

     "Did you hear how quiet it got?  There were no birds," he said, standing in front of his Freightliner.  He'd brought it to a stop on the shoulder that bordered our property.   It was big, imposing.  And white.  It's grill loomed large.

      Nodding my head in agreement, as traffic calmed down, I said, "I noticed at 1:50 that everything got quiet.  No bird twitters.  No dog barks.  No noises from the neighbors goats." 

     "Spencer, my son, commented via cellphone text while driving home, "That's eerie." 

      This man, unknown to me, who I learned was from Utah, was approaching 6 feet tall, had the best grin, and was super friendly.   We shared a universal experience of a complete solar eclipse!

     The eclipse on April 8, 2024, has been on the news, proper sunglasses purchased, businesses and schools shut down, parties planned, and tourists determined to come here because we were in the path of totality!  There would be no sun for 3-4 minutes as the moon came between us!

     Between 2 and 3 o'clock, I had been getting rid of debris with the leaf blower while watching night-like shadows appear.  It was like a thunderstorm was coming without all the telltale signs of wind and lightning.

     Out on the highway, the few cars going by had on their headlights.  Then this huge truck, clean and white, and exceptionally long, pulled to the edge of the road and stopped.

    A little curious, not worried, I went down to the tree line to see if he was having trouble, or if he was watching the eclipse and needed a pair of solar glasses.  As I got closer I put my hand out and waved the glasses at him in a gesture of a question.  I could barely see his hand inside his cab waving.  I couldn't discern what kind of wave.

    He opened the door and stepped down and out, RIGHT THERE ON THE HIGHWAY!

    As we stood in darkness together, the sun now completely obliterated, he said he was headed to Red Gold, Inc, in Alexandria, and showed me his invoice on his phone.  Then he said, "I'll send you the video of the eclipse." 

    "Can you do that?  I thought our phones weren't equipped for that!"

    He just grinned real big, shrugged his shoulders, and said, "I'll buy a new one."  LOL.

    Before he sent it to me, he borrowed my glasses, positioned them over his phone's camera lens, and held it up to the sun.  He held tight, and I reached around between his elbows and pushed the big white button.  Voilá!  A photo of the sun.  

His photo, during eclipse

3. p.m.

My photos, after eclipse

   

     I took a picture of him and his "big truck". Then he helped me put the glasses on my phone's camera lens.  He shared his.  I shared mine.  History recorded!

   "My husband used to work for Schneider but he got aggravated because his dispatcher kept sending him away from home." I said.

    "Yah, you get dispatchers that'll do that.  I'm headed up I-65 to Sherierville.  I have family up there. I've just finished a delivery in Indianapolis."

    We're still chatting as traffic goes around his cab and trailer.   

    A big Ram 2500 did it's down-shifting complaint with his headlights on, one car slowed to give us the eyeball -- were we in trouble?  Others slowed, hitting the rumble strips.  We didn't care, his big hulk of a semi was our protection -- we were enjoying an experience together.

    All that while, he was waiting on his phone to do it's download thing with it's circular ring of progress, so I could have a little video.  It was so considerate and friendly of him, Steven Kaufmann.  

    He confessed, "I just had to stop and see it.  I couldn't believe how black it got!"

   A moment in time.  Made special in the sharing.  In photos, history was ours.

    

I Understand Complete Sentences

I was on hold.  I called a credit card company.
"Hi, this is Pamela," I said.  

An automated operator who understands complete sentences proceeded to ask for pertinents.  WHY?

SHE NEW EVERYTHING, why?  She knew phone number, account number, account paid and closed, hubby died, and "You have a credit of $1.16."

So I asked for "re-pre-sent-a-tive" and said,
"This is my husband's account, he passed away, you have a death certificate, I've paid it off, your employee shredded the card, what am I supposed to do with a bill that says "You have a credit of $1.16?"

"Let me turn your over to the estate account manager, "Give me 2 minutes, please".  
Estate account manager asked for hubby's pertinents, and then says, "How can I help you?"

"This is my husband's account, he passed away, you have a death certificate, I've paid it off, your employee shredded the card, what am I supposed to do with a bill that says "You have a credit of $1.16?"

"Give me 2 minutes, please." 
Upon return he asks for MY pertinents.
"Please verify your ss# and address, please.  We owe you $1.16."

(Just between you and me I just wanted the paperwork to quit coming in the mail!)

"What do I do now?" I asked.  He said, "Give me 2 minutes, please."

Then he said, "Please allow 30 to 60 days as we will be sending you a refund in the mail for $1.16."

Who is more stupid -- us for putting up with this nonsense or them for carrying on with this nonsense????
How much money did they lose for 2 operators to talk to me and that doesn't include the robot operator that can't "understand complete sentences"?

How much money will they spend on mail to me.... .68 x 2 = 1.36.
In postage alone, they lose $1.36.  
I lost time and temperament  But, hey, I can look forward to another 3 page bill telling me all the ends and outs of the fees, and all the rules, and the interest rates, and an explanation that reads, 

"Attached you will find a refund for 1.16!"

I can't even pick the fleas off my cat for a dollar sixteen!!!!

Dentist's Ferrari / Calvin's Capri

False teeth I'm getting!

This is the second time.  The first set got badly chipped, then I had some teeth pulled, so they became defunct.

This time I've retuned to the office to get a fitting and tooth color matching.  All is well.  I'm sitting there patiently (pun not intended) waiting in the up-and-down chair while Dr. Dentist is behind me shaving and shaping the applied foam on the mold.  

Me:  Was your father a dentist?

Dr:  No, my uncle was.  My dad was an engineer.

Me:  Did you ever think you'd be putting your hands inside the mouths of so many people?

Dr:  LOL, I liked the tools, LOL.  And I wanted a Ferrari.

Me:  Did you get one?

Dr:  No, I got kids!  I drive an SUV now.

Me:  I had an RX8, before that I had a Mercury Capri.

Asst:  I had my dad's car, and I raced up and down Highway 19.  I don't think he ever knew.  (giggles)

Me:  I never knew what exactly my son did, either.  He loves speed, to race up to stop signs or intersections.

Me:  After awhile that little Capri got so it lugged, acted draggy under a load.  Then I lent it to Calvin, my son.  After that it ran great.  

Dr:  Oh, yah?

Me:  I asked hubby and he said Calvin burned the carbon out of it. 

Doctor continues to whittle, assistant stands ready to hand him instruments, both listening.

Me:  I asked Calvin aboout it, he grinned cheekily and said, "If I was you I wouldn't go downtown near the fairgrounds any time soon."  I asked him, "Why?  Did you get a ticket?"  He replied, "Ma-ay-beee......"

The three of us laughed. 

It was good.  

A good job by a relaxed happy dentist.

A happy dentist makes good false teeth.

False teeth I'm getting.  It's an inside job.