John's Funny, Caped Crusaders & Cats

       

Back in February of 2021, Clint sent us a Marco Polo, a phone video, of Miss Lilly, 4 years old, running around the house using a small red blanket as a cape, "I'm.  A.  SUPER HE-ro!"  Yes, in that sentence she paused at the periods, and raised her voice at the capitals.  Then, she'd twirl, then swoop and cover up her 2 year old brother Jacob, like he was a villain.  She raised up and told the world, "I'm a SUPER hero!"  Next thing you know, Jacob is trying his best to put on a cape, too, just like big sis.

Well, later that evening, Clint came over to borrow John's truck, trailer, and skid steer.  Silly goose, he's forgotten how it is in our neck of the woods with a long driveway and swirling drifted snow here and there, and ... ta-da ... he got stuck.  He opened the driver's door and stepped out of his truck to investigate.  John opened the front door and stepped out of the house to instigate.

"You shouldn't have left your Super Heroes at home!"

Later that summer I contemplated our bird bath.  It's been a source of joy.  At home, growing up on the farm, mom had a huge pale blue birdbath in the backyard, and I have no clue where it came from.  Sis had one with a pedestal fish whose bowl broke, and we could never find a replacement.  Ours is perfect size for me to handle.  I can tip it to dump old water or fall leaves.  I can move it around if it settles.  Every few years it needs glued, and ALWAYS the grandkids need shooed!

Rusty has taken to laying it on its side when he arrives.  That sure does save a lot of worry since the grandkids not only like to play in the water, but it's short enough that they can put their weight on it and topple it -- right onto their toes!

I do love watching the birds splash and roll in the water.  Sometimes one will sit on the edge and keep watch while a mate will flutter wings and dip head to get a good wash.

Then there's Piper.  Piper, our black outdoor cat, likes to precariously sit with 4 feet tight together and sip.  I asked John, "Why is she drinking out of the birdbath when her fresh water is right here?"

He laughed, "Cause it tastes delicious.  It tastes like bird."

🎵"CHRISTMAS TIME IS HERE, "GOOGLE MAPS!" 🎵 🎶

Remember the old Charlie Brown Christmas animation on television?  We all do.  The first line or so of the theme song Christmas Time Is Here says "Happiness and Cheer", right?  Well, that was what I was going for when I searched high and low for my stash of CD's, happiness and cheer.

Here's a tip for old age:  don't relocate household items.

You're just too old to remember to where you re-located them!  I'm not kidding.  I have proof.  Clinton, even AFTER he moved out into his new home, complained, "34 years of living here with the pots and pans on the lazy Susan and you move them out and move in the cereal!"

Darling Hubby says, after living here for 37 years, "Where do you keep the scissors?'  Seriously?!

So after being exasperated at myself, having looked in the usual places, the unusual places, the places it makes sense such as next to the stereo system or the undercounter CD player, I still couldn't find my Christmas CD's!  And it's no small stash, there's 20.  I had cleaned that drawer and moved them.   Finally, I confessed to Darling Hubby, who I now know understands this phenomenon,  "I can't find my Christmas CD's.  I moved them."

Instantly, he moaned, "Oh, Lord, don't do that!"

 🎵 Happiness and Cheer, LOL 🎶

         🎵 Carols everywhere 🎶

This Christmas, the tree in the attached photograph, is UP on the piano.  It's a must.  Jacob who just turned two is one of the terror twins.  He has a cousin Noelle, and the two of them work together.  One stands at the fence that keeps them from the pond, while the other carries over rocks to be tossed over the fence into the water.  They both pause to watch this miracle of splash and disappearance.

On his own, Jacob can heave any toy he doesn't want to play with over his shoulders.  And if Santa Claus should not be resting in the wooden engine of that green & red train because other things belong there, Santa gets ripped out!

So, the tree, which would be fully investigated otherwise, is UP on the piano.  Can you hear his little boy voice saying "Wha-s -at?"  And down would come the ornament that had taken his fancy ... with the tree!

🎵  "Fun for all that children call 

            their favorite time of year" 🎶

I went upstairs to ask John a question, relaying it from an Oklahoma friend that was on the phone waiting for an answer.  When I open the door, John is standing next to his dresser putting his right leg into a pair of navy blue slacks, but he chuckles and teases me, 

"I'm nekkid!, does that........"  

Quickly, I turned the phone to my shoulder to muffle the speaker and tried to diffuse with my words.

"JOHN!  No, you're not, you're just changing clothes.  I've got my friend on the phone.  You're glad to know that, right?"

He sobers up, "Right."

🎵 And joyful memories there 🎶

      🎵Beauty everywhere 🎶

We were on our way south, an hour and a half drive, to visit a sick cousin.  The sights were beautiful, air-filled Frosty taller than a house, nativity scenes in the front yards, baubles and lights on outdoor evergreen trees, mailboxes bedecked with poinsettias and flowing ribbons, and amber studded trees with Christmas lights were shining through living room windows.  One even had Santa trepidaciously climbing a chimney.  Even the vehicles passing by were sporting big red bows on their grills, red nose and antlers on SUVs, and lit Christmas wreaths on car noses. 

Well, the motion of the truck, the sound of vehicles tires slapping on the interstate, and the relaxation of nothing needing to be done, and the pleasantry of it all lulled me into slumber.   I wasn't deep into sleep. But I was far gone.  Very near there.  Breathng slow.  Muscles relaxed.  Head drooping to chest.  Thoughts getting mushy going into nothingness.

"GOOGLE MAPS!"

I came unglued.  "Google maps?!  Why'd he just yell?"  My heart picked up speed, my head rose from my chest, my mind was stricken and I cried, "What!  What, John, what?  Google maps?"

Darling dear hubby John, (who just then barely missed being on the 5 o'clock news) had picked up his phone to use his GPS to make sure we were on the right track.  

"I'm gonna put him on the right track!  I'm gonna tie him up right there next to Penelope Pitstop, I am!"

Can I say "Slay bells in the air", now, now spell it right s, l, e, i, g, h.

🎵Sleigh bells in the air🎶

🎵Such spirit in the year🎶

Well, Christmas time is here, it's time for happiness and cheer

If no one has said it to you yet,  "May you be blessed with a Merry Christmas."

CUZ AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

 

"Cuz!  They bombed the house!  I thought you said this would be an easy gig.  There's nothing easy 'bout me being the Christmas Tree!  I got chopped off at the ankles, man, I'm shooting splinters."

"And now they've gone and bombed the house!"

O Christmas Tree was being plunked out on the Kimball piano by one of those "darlings."

The living room window was propped open.  The Christmas Tree stood against the far living room wall.  Cousin, or Cuz, as Christmas Tree calls him, stands a few feet away, rooted and grounded just outside the open window.  

"The missus of the house couldn't take it; she hollered for fresh air.  Someone's a real stinker, going around leaving fart bombs!  Between you and me, after she sprayed that Evergreen Air Freshener, which doesn't smell like me at all, it didn't fix it -- it still smells like someone took a poop in the woods."

"Hey, Cuz, I can't look up, what's that atop my crown?  Something up there's giving me a glow.  I feel a sunburn coming on!"

"What, whatdya say?   I've a shining light?  Like the one on Chrismtas night?  Whoo-hoo, I'M A STAR!" 

"Got to entertain myself, you know.  Long days and long nights, picture perfect, glowing bright -- bo-or-ring.  So I'm making up lyrics, changing words to "O Tannebaum".  Tannebaum.  It sounds like another stinker, you know, Tannen Bomb, get it, bomb?  Ha, ha. ha."

 "Oh, here I stand, as tall as I can, from bough to bough, stretched wall to wall. 

Erect and straight, over 6 feet high, in the living room I'm left to die.

Oh, here I stand, in this metal pan, being scared by the ceiling fan.

Oh, swish and swish, and slurp and suck, what is that at my stubby trunk?"

"Whoa!  Here he comes!  Big and bounding!   Black, and four feet pounding!  A mass of wiggling fur.  Eek, that dog's slurping my water!   Oh, if only I could shake a stick.   Here comes his master, too, a tween, "Zeke, quit drinking that tree's water!   Stop!  Now, you're making tracks with your feet!"  Zeke, with all his body's strength, pulls against the tween.  As he's being dragged out of the room, he eyeballs the tree, suspecting not all is as it seems.

"Hey, Cuz, when a dog drinks from the tree stand, enough to fill him up, what's it called?  It's called a Liquidation Tail." 

"Liquidation Tail, get it, hardy, har-har-har!"

"As for that cat, I wish she wouldn't come near me, too bad she's not afraid of my bark!"  Tree chuckled.  "Every time she claws up my spine, I get the shivers, then down come the pine needles and out comes the vacuum."

"The other day the 3 y.o. asked the missus, "What happens to the spiders when they get sucked into the sweeper?"  She answered, "They Dyson."

"Ha, ha, ha, wait a minute, wait a minute, quit tickling me, ha, ha, haaaa......"

"Help, Cuz!  There's something tickling me.  Lean with the breeze, will ya.  Whatdya see?  What is it?"

"Shew, I thought it might be another spider.  It's a red-clad toddler grabbing one of the ornaments.  That's  what you call a bell ringer!" 

"His mom'll get him.  You just watch.  Yep.  There he goes high in the sky in her arms and the jingle-jangle is hooked back on my branch.  Ew-hoo, that tickles."

"Cuz, do you know which is my favorite candy?  Oh, you've heard this one before, yep, it's orna-mints."

"Ha, ha, ha, if I could I'd shake, rattle, and roll with my laughter, there'd be needles enough for every acupuncturist in China.  I hear Wuhan could use a few, too!"

"Did you know when they cut my feet off, and brought me here to this house of boys and toys, the first thing they did was lean me with my face against the wall.  It was so uncomfortable!   Thankfully, there wasn't any plaque on the wall.  Must've been built by the inventer of the toothbrush."

"And did my face get plastered!"

"Oh, no!  Oooof!  I'm being punched in the gut --- "Ooof!"  Oh, good lands, here he comes again, "Ooof!"  I'm silently screaming.  Screaming for his mother.  "Stop this human canon ball!"

"Cuz, Cuz, Cuz!  Do you see this?  That wild toddler is running into me.  Here he comes again, ooof!  All the glass ornaments are tinkling, the bells are jingling, the baubles are clanking against each other.  I think this kid wants to be the tree!  Ooof."

"I'll try to stop him.  I'll wrap my branches around his little tummy the next time he comes tackling like me like a football dummy."

"When this gig is over, and I'm shaved into a pencil, I'm gonna write Dummy In the Tree by Whu Hung Bruce."

"Maybe I'll write two books, Cat In The Tree Top by Clawed Barque!  Ha, ha, ha."

"Ah, Christmas is almost over, the bells and candy canes and ornaments can't be hanging 'round anymore." 

"I can't hang around either.  Hard telling what the missus'll do to me," Christmas Tree thought on this, as he leaned and listed a bit, and started to doze.  He could see it was getting dusk.

"Hey Cuz, are you still awake?   What happens to me when I'm taken down?  What do you mean, I don't want to know?".

"You say I'll go out in a blaze of glory?  Oh, boy, yay.  

"And I'll get my own little boat?  Oh, boy, oh boy, a toy."

 "What are you talking  'bout, Cuz, cremation, non-smoking, or smoking? 

"A viking funeral!  AAAAAaaaaaagh!  "Say it isn't so!"  And Tree woke with a rustling shiver     and jerked wide awake to the dawn of the new day.

"Shew, thankfully that fire pyre was just a dream!"

The piano was playing, again.  We Wish You A Merry Christmas tune was filling the room.  Presents were pushed and shoved under the tree.  Some mini gifts were nestled in the branches with giggles and glee.  The missus and hubby and little darlings were dressed ever so festively.   

And there was the littlest darling, with glitter around his little rosy lips.  "Hey, he's eating a red sparkly orb!" With ever so much effort, and the last vestige of energy, Christmas Tree gently shook the branch that held a jingle bell.  It's tinkle drew startled eyes.  "Darling" dropped the orb.  Mom and Dad bustled to his rescue.

"Cuz was right, this gig was easy.  Being a Christmas Tree came with a sense of purpose, and joy, too."

"Now, just where is that other little "darling", the stinker.  Gotta watch out for those bombs!"