"And now they've gone and bombed the house!"
O Christmas Tree was being plunked out on the Kimball piano by one of those "darlings."
The living room window was propped open. The Christmas Tree stood against the far living room wall. Cousin, or Cuz, as Christmas Tree calls him, stands a few feet away, rooted and grounded just outside the open window.
"The missus of the house couldn't take it; she hollered for fresh air. Someone's a real stinker, going around leaving fart bombs! Between you and me, after she sprayed that Evergreen Air Freshener, which doesn't smell like me at all, it didn't fix it -- it still smells like someone took a poop in the woods."
"Hey, Cuz, I can't look up, what's that atop my crown? Something up there's giving me a glow. I feel a sunburn coming on!"
"What, whatdya say? I've a shining light? Like the one on Chrismtas night? Whoo-hoo, I'M A STAR!"
"Got to entertain myself, you know. Long days and long nights, picture perfect, glowing bright -- bo-or-ring. So I'm making up lyrics, changing words to "O Tannebaum". Tannebaum. It sounds like another stinker, you know, Tannen Bomb, get it, bomb? Ha, ha. ha."
"Oh, here I stand, as tall as I can, from bough to bough, stretched wall to wall.
Erect and straight, over 6 feet high, in the living room I'm left to die.
Oh, here I stand, in this metal pan, being scared by the ceiling fan.
Oh, swish and swish, and slurp and suck, what is that at my stubby trunk?"
"Whoa! Here he comes! Big and bounding! Black, and four feet pounding! A mass of wiggling fur. Eek, that dog's slurping my water! Oh, if only I could shake a stick. Here comes his master, too, a tween, "Zeke, quit drinking that tree's water! Stop! Now, you're making tracks with your feet!" Zeke, with all his body's strength, pulls against the tween. As he's being dragged out of the room, he eyeballs the tree, suspecting not all is as it seems.
"Hey, Cuz, when a dog drinks from the tree stand, enough to fill him up, what's it called? It's called a Liquidation Tail."
"Liquidation Tail, get it, hardy, har-har-har!"
"As for that cat, I wish she wouldn't come near me, too bad she's not afraid of my bark!" Tree chuckled. "Every time she claws up my spine, I get the shivers, then down come the pine needles and out comes the vacuum."
"The other day the 3 y.o. asked the missus, "What happens to the spiders when they get sucked into the sweeper?" She answered, "They Dyson."
"Ha, ha, ha, wait a minute, wait a minute, quit tickling me, ha, ha, haaaa......"
"Help, Cuz! There's something tickling me. Lean with the breeze, will ya. Whatdya see? What is it?"
"Shew, I thought it might be another spider. It's a red-clad toddler grabbing one of the ornaments. That's what you call a bell ringer!"
"His mom'll get him. You just watch. Yep. There he goes high in the sky in her arms and the jingle-jangle is hooked back on my branch. Ew-hoo, that tickles."
"Cuz, do you know which is my favorite candy? Oh, you've heard this one before, yep, it's orna-mints."
"Ha, ha, ha, if I could I'd shake, rattle, and roll with my laughter, there'd be needles enough for every acupuncturist in China. I hear Wuhan could use a few, too!"
"Did you know when they cut my feet off, and brought me here to this house of boys and toys, the first thing they did was lean me with my face against the wall. It was so uncomfortable! Thankfully, there wasn't any plaque on the wall. Must've been built by the inventer of the toothbrush."
"And did my face get plastered!"
"Oh, no! Oooof! I'm being punched in the gut --- "Ooof!" Oh, good lands, here he comes again, "Ooof!" I'm silently screaming. Screaming for his mother. "Stop this human canon ball!"
"Cuz, Cuz, Cuz! Do you see this? That wild toddler is running into me. Here he comes again, ooof! All the glass ornaments are tinkling, the bells are jingling, the baubles are clanking against each other. I think this kid wants to be the tree! Ooof."
"I'll try to stop him. I'll wrap my branches around his little tummy the next time he comes tackling like me like a football dummy."
"When this gig is over, and I'm shaved into a pencil, I'm gonna write Dummy In the Tree by Whu Hung Bruce."
"Maybe I'll write two books, Cat In The Tree Top by Clawed Barque! Ha, ha, ha."
"Ah, Christmas is almost over, the bells and candy canes and ornaments can't be hanging 'round anymore."
"I can't hang around either. Hard telling what the missus'll do to me," Christmas Tree thought on this, as he leaned and listed a bit, and started to doze. He could see it was getting dusk.
"Hey Cuz, are you still awake? What happens to me when I'm taken down? What do you mean, I don't want to know?".
"You say I'll go out in a blaze of glory? Oh, boy, yay.
"And I'll get my own little boat? Oh, boy, oh boy, a toy."
"What are you talking 'bout, Cuz, cremation, non-smoking, or smoking?
"A viking funeral! AAAAAaaaaaagh! "Say it isn't so!" And Tree woke with a rustling shiver and jerked wide awake to the dawn of the new day.
"Shew, thankfully that fire pyre was just a dream!"
The piano was playing, again. We Wish You A Merry Christmas tune was filling the room. Presents were pushed and shoved under the tree. Some mini gifts were nestled in the branches with giggles and glee. The missus and hubby and little darlings were dressed ever so festively.
And there was the littlest darling, with glitter around his little rosy lips. "Hey, he's eating a red sparkly orb!" With ever so much effort, and the last vestige of energy, Christmas Tree gently shook the branch that held a jingle bell. It's tinkle drew startled eyes. "Darling" dropped the orb. Mom and Dad bustled to his rescue.
"Cuz was right, this gig was easy. Being a Christmas Tree came with a sense of purpose, and joy, too."
"Now, just where is that other little "darling", the stinker. Gotta watch out for those bombs!"
lol that is so cute. I could just see your tree thinking all this. love it
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