Butt Cheek or Butt Cheeks!

In the big new-to-me used Dodge Ram, I stopped at the end of the driveway to pick-up the local paper tossed there. 

With right hand gripping the steering wheel, door swung wide open, I leaned over.  Jeani gleefully laughs, "You were used to a smaller pickup truck.  To get the newspaper, out of the 4 wheel drive you were leaning all the way, upside down, on your head, and you had one big butt cheek on the seat and I took your picture!"  Laughing throughout the telling, she laughs again heartily.

"So, then another day,"  she continues, "you take me over, thankfully, in your car, you had me lean over to pick-up the paper."  

That's when I gave her tit-for-tat, "I need to take a picture of your butt."

"Go ahead," she laughs, "you had only one butt cheek on the seat, I had both," she's absolutely in stitches.  "It was funny at the time," she chuckles.

Meanwhile, I'm sure my new truck is bigger than my previous one.  Everyone argues with me.  I'm gonna get a yardstick and check the step height, and the seat width to prove I'm right.  

Turning to her I start a new conversation topic, "I need to measure my ....." 

"Butt?" 

"No!  TRUCK!"

You're Gonna Mow 4 Acres With That?

NO!!!!  HE'S GOING TO MOW 4 ACRES WITH A PUSH-MOWER????  no-o-O-O!  No way!

I'm sitting here looking out the sliding glass doors when this Range Rover pulls in, and out comes a push mower.  This dude mows about 30 feet.  I keep watching thinking a zero turn or something big's magically going to appear somewhere soon.  But no!  That doesn't happen!  

This high school kid thinks he's going to mow these 4 acres with a push mower???  Seriously?

Unt-uh.  Nope.  Not happening.

So, I go out there, he sees me coming, and walks towards me.

"You do know I have 4 acres?  You can't mow 4 acres with a push mower!"

"Hi, I'm Ryan. Yah.   I have a friend coming with a John Deere riding mower."

"I hope his John Deere has a big deck, maybe a 52 or 48 inch?"

"Yah, it's big."

I show him the back yard asking if he's the one I've been talking to.

"No, that's Christian who you've been texting."  About that time Christian shows up, he'd driven a green riding mower a mile up Highway 37 to get here, sheesh.  And, no way is it 52"!  To my dejection, it's a 38 inch deck, sigh.

"Well, you can push-mow the area around the wood pile, and the Roger Run over there."  And I tell him the story behind the Roger Run, a 50 ft. square fenced section of yard,  "But maybe I'd better see if we can start my zero turn for you to use after that."

It doesn't start.  I put a portable charger on it.  He's adding gas.  The spout never makes contact with the opening and he spills gas everywhere.  I couldn't help myself.  At this point I'm very, very wary and I just blurted.

"Do you guys even know how to mow?  Have you mown before?"  

They'd come 2 weeks earlier when I wasn't home to scope out the place but they didn't realize how big was the back yard.  Oh, boy!

These young whipper snappers act so knowledgeable and they don't know a lick; but they sure do exude confidence!  Finally, we get my zero turn started, and would you believe I have to show him how to operate it!  

Oh.  My.  Lands.

"Who's that?" I asked.  In the drive at the mailbox is now a white Dodge Ram with a trailer hauling 2 zero turns. 

Ryan smiles and says, "I called for back up."  

Yay!  In my mind, I gave him points for that call, and I'm thanking the powers that be.

"We have 7 pieces of equipment and 3 more guys," he adds.

ROFL, good deal!

These guys were recommended by Quinn, a high schooler, who'd been at a garage sale of mine and seen how tall was the grass.  He wasn't a part of the group, LOL, just helping friends get work.

"I know some guys that'll do your mowing.  He comes from Westfield.  They're trying to get more business," Quinn had told me, and we exchanged phone numbers. 

So, the newly arrived small John Deere goes round and round the middle yard followed up by a zero turn doing criss-cross paths.  Christian says, "Your grass hasn't been mown in awhile and it's so tall that we have to do it this way." 

"BTW, when would you like us to come back?"  Oh, he's a funny guy!

Eventually, I meet Nick and Brody, the other two mowers.  They all are in high school and all play soccor together and all are trying to establish a mowing business.  They said they have another job up the road.  

With them in a semi-circle around me, I told them I had two rules.

"Always blow the grass in.  I don't want any on the roads, or a rock hitting the wind shield of a passing car who might sue me.  And....look 5 feet ahead.  There could be tree limbs and pop cans and the like."  

"Oh, we know, we got this."  

Yah, you got this!  ROFL, there's that confidence again.

I walked next door to see sis.  She came out and I asked her to follow me.

"Come to the top of the hill, come see this!  You won't believe your eyes."

In my back yard, was 3 zero turns and a riding mower just zip-zip-zipping this way and that and mulching up the tall weeds like a troupe of figure skaters on ice!  It was ridiculously hilarious.  

They got done in under 2 hours!!!

Sis was so impressed that Christian, who I learned is the boss, who takes the money and divvies it out, was hired on the spot.

"From now on, do you want us to do yours and hers on the same day?"  he asked.  

"Yes, in 2 weeks."

For the agreed upon first-cutting, they did her yard on Saturday!  And I wished I'd have been there to see it!

Did they ask how many acres she has?  Or did history repeat itself?

Were there 3 zero turns and a John Deere zip-zip-zipping along?

Like mischievious leprechauns in tall grass, they "got 'er done", again ... while no one was home!

Bombshell, Zonker - the Ages Through Carolyn's Eyes

We, Clinton, Spencer, and I, went south an hour's drive to visit with Sis. Carolyn.  She turned 89 on March 12 of 2024, 6 months back.  We took her a bouquet of flowers with red roses, yellow daisies, and a blue butterfly adornment.  Eyes bright, she put both hands up to her face covering her mouth, "Oh, aren't they just beautiful!"  Turning to me with exuberance, "They're BEAUTIFUL!"

I had texted her daughter Linda to make sure it was okay to drop in on Labor Day.  She assured me it was but that her mother had had a bad night a few days before.  Sis. Carolyn called her daughter at 2:30 in the morning to say she was in jail.  When Linda went to check on her "she had hauled dishes outside in stacks" in the driveway, very confused. 

Sis. Carolyn, sitting on her couch in a cream colored blouse, asked me how I was doing.  I told her we'd just come back from a trip to Portland, Indiana, where the Jay County hosted the Tri-State Gas Engine Show.  Some years ago she'd asked me how old I was.  Back then I said I was 57, she said, "Oh kid, that's young!  You're young!  You can still go places.  Go!  Take that camper and go!"

So, today she said she's 89 and asked me how old I was.  I said 67.  Very matter-of-factly she stated, "YOUNG."  

"70's, a breeze!" she said of her own experience, as she swiftly slide her right hand off her left into the air, "A breeze!"

"80's....bombshell!"  She dropped her cold hands and thin arms into her lap.

One of the guys asked her if she'd like to live into her 90's.  She shook her head, squeezed her eyes shut, saying, "I'm not gonna wish for it."

"You don't go on forever.  70's was easy.  80's, ZONKER!"

****

Sis. Carolyn looked at the guys with questioning eyes.  So I told her their names, who they were, pulled up pics on my cellphone so she could discern a little better.  According to her daughter Linda, not only does she not hear well at all, she can't see very well, either.

She peered forward at Spencer and said, "You look better and better every time I see you."  Then she remembered how as young'uns Spencer, Clinton, and Calvin spent the night back in the early 90's, that they'd raised up the electric hospital bed ... "TO THE CEILING!" she said excitedly.

She recalled a trip to Kentucky with "David Leeman" and Calvin and Clint.  She pointed to Clint, "Now he's a good driver!"  

****

But, I wasn't left out.  She looked at me, pointed to my hair, and did a little chuckle.  She'd always seen me with brown hair.  One time she even pulled it forward over my shoulders and took a picture.  But today, since John's passing, I've let it be it's natural color.  No more dyeing it brown for darling hubby, it's turned white!

Sis. Carolyn looked at me, looked at a picture of me on my cellphone, then she made a very pithy remark. The guys busted a gut laughing.  

Loudly, with conviction, she said, "That's the oldest I've ever seen you look." 

Freezing At Portland Tractor Show

It was 2 weeks early.  But...necessary.

If you want your favorite spot in which to camp, you have to go at the first opportunity and claim it with stakes and ropes that have your name attached in plastic (it will rain!).

This is at the annual Tri-State Gas Engine and Antique Tractor Show in Portland, IN.

With an exhibit in the fair grounds, you can camp all week for $20 in the adjacent field.

LOL, we froze the first night. 

We were parked in line at 10 p.m. and we weren't the first!  There were probably 10 -15 other camping vehicles in line ahead of us.  But we were there to spend the night and enter the gates at 7 a.m.  

 

We froze.  Man, it had been so hot all week we never gave a thought to sleeping conditions a bit further north.

So, we froze that first night.   

Until brother came and showed us how to operate the camper heater, duh......

"Besides that," he said, "you have a thermostat somewhere."

"We do?"

"Oh.  Yah, we do.  It's on the wall next to me," Jeani agreed.

Well, for crying out loud!

That night I was in the big bed which is made by lowering the dining table and putting cushions on top.  Jeani, co-camper, was in the bottom bunk's double bed in the back. 

I froze.  I wore my coat over my clothes which were over my pajamas.  I stacked the back booth's cushions strategically around my body to confine body heat.  I even pulled the pillowcase off the pillow and wrapped it around my head.  I only had a sheet.  Still ... freezing. 

Jeani told me earlier in the evening that she brought a sleeping bag.

So, afraid I'd disturb her and afraid that it was just me that was cold, I refrained from getting up.  Besides, I didn't want to loose my body heated warmed bed.  

Never-ya-mind that I could get up to get blankets, I didn't want to wake her, I suffered until morning.  Once, I did dare. I dared to shine my cellphone light on her -- she was wrapped in black, and snoring.  Yes.  She was too snoring.  Don't believe her if she says she wasn't.  

Early a.m., sun still striving to get up,  I told her I thought she slept well in her sleeping bag,.

Surprise!  

Jeani said, "That wasn't a sleeping bag, that was ground cover."  Ut oh!

                                         This is literary license, it's called an aside:  

     There was a big mouth frog who wanted to know what other animals ate for breakfast.

     He loudly asked the giraffe, "What do you eat for breakfast?"

     "Leaves."

     Big mouth frog said that wouldn't do for him.

     Big mouth frog then asked the elephant, "What do you eat for breafast?"

     "Tree bark, and plants."

     Big mouth frog loudly said that he preferred flies.

     Then big mouth frog came upon an alligator.

     "What do you eat for breakfast?"

     Alligator replied, "Big mouth frogs."

     Big mouth frog shriveled up his lips, made a small o with a pucker, and said, "Ut oh, I haven't seen   

          any of those around lately."  And immediately hopped away.

That's how I felt when Jeani said, "... that was ground cover." 

Ut-oh, hop away, hop away!

In reality, I said, "Wished I'd have known.  I have a blanket for every bed in here, at least 4."

With exceptional speed, she REARED UP IN BED, and in a shocked voice said,

"BLANKETS!  We had blankets!???!"

Ut oh.

Spider to the Fly, Snakes Alive! & Legs

We had such a fun terrific reaction to our spider on the golf cart last year, at the Tri-State Engine & Tractor Show, I was bound and determined to do it again this year.  Sadly, forgot my spider.  Happily, Jeani found a really long-legged one at Family Dollar, yay!

This one had beady red eyes that lit up!

We tried wrapping him around the snake that we'd coiled on the post.  Didn't work.

We tried wrapping him in such a manner he looked like he was after a large plastic fly.  Didn't work. 

We tried hanging a doily with him to make it look like a spider web.  Didn't work.

We finally sprawled his big body over the roof like he was clutching the golf cart.  That was pretty good.

There was a mother with 3 little boys, one was looking right at us.  He squeaked and squeeled while mom was hunting the source of his angst.  He'd spied our spider!

One pre-teen girl with crossed-arms was scrunching backwards.  I thought she was getting out of the way of our golf cart.  Nope.  Looking at her eyes which were looking at the spider's eyes, we knew she was afraid.

Jacob wasn't even sure if he liked the fuzzy spider or not.

****

Then there was the time Spencer came to the camper to get a cup of coffee.  He'd been sleeping in a pup tent with Calvin.  

Calvin had had a bad dream.  In the dream his truck was rolling away.  When he figured out who put it in neutral he got mad and started hitting.  He wasn't making contact in his dream and got madder.  Finally he made contact with the tent!

Meanwhile, Spencer moved out of the way just in time to avoid a punch!  He woke Calvin, "You alright, buddy?"  

Calvin said, "Yah, I'm fine" and told the dream theme.

So, into the camper Spencer came for coffee.  He had to brag.  When his white plastic spoon curled ... from the brew or from the heat, he didn't care, he was delighted ... he had to brag to his "assailent".

"Look Calvin, my coffee's so good it melted my spoon!  I'll bet you'd like some!"

****

Oh ho, the Trading Post was not so full this year.  It's where you can bring items to sell while you're either an exhibitor or a camper or both.   It was a dusty old place, as big as a barn!  LOL, it was a barn.  Silly me,   I'd worn white shorts everywhere, but it probably wasn't a good idea in this old animal building with a dirt floor and constant traffic kicking up dust.  

As I was coming out of there, this old geezer came barreling in driving a red 3-wheeled scooter.   Obviously he couldn't ambulate on his own or he wouldn't be driving one.  He was trying to navigate between the entrance posts.  With oxygen cannula in his nose, tank in the basket, and nondescript clothes, he looked at me and said, 

"Nice legs."

For crying out loud, you brazen ol' coot!  But thanks for the compliment...

Two Little Incidents At the Show, Hat & Box

First let me say, I DIDN'T TRY TO KILL JEANI LAST YEAR.  She just thinks I did.

The electrical post survived last year's assault, all was well this year.

The manitau telescoping stackhandler was no where to be seen, we never got forked last year and we didn't get forked this year, all was well.

And since the white shirted man had done a runner, I'm sure he's alive and well today.

No worries.

This year I wondered if she was on a quest to get back at me for last year, though.  I know, I know, she'll blame the cardboard box, but ... it was SHE driving.  She's getting the Driving Award this year.  Thankfully, it was only a golf cart.  Mind you a golf cart for which I paid!    I was the behind-the-scenes financial backer.  She was momentarily a terrible backer --  'cuz she about knocked me over at the knee!  Think Nancy Kerrigan with Tonya Harding coming!  ROFLMHO  

And, I paid for my own demise, how ironic is THAT!

NAH.

I really wasn't scared, I only squealed a little.

It was the first day.  We were at the Tri-State Gas Engine and Antique Tractor Show cruising the streets for city-wide yard sales.  Well, we found 2 or 3 great ones!  I tell you!   We found one that filled a side yard with boxes and boxes of stuff like ceramic gold flat angels you hang on the wall.  Or costume jewelry like a string of plastic white beads, or rhinestone necklaces.  Or books with crinkled edges.  And those wooden boxes that held a Bible.  I got a child's swing on chains to hang from a tree.  Nice.

Another one was a 10 cent sale.  The seller just wanted the stuff gone!  I got a wreath, a Care Bear, a big long string of curtain lights, and gobs more.

At this one sale, where I got sheets of stickers and children's book, was two rows of tables under a white canopy.  There were empty cardboard boxes stacked at the corner of the first row of tables.  Jeani very nicely parked there. We shopped.

We went to leave. 

She was driving.  

The co-host gentleman's talking.  

I approached the right side of the golf cart from behind because of those boxes in front.  And then ... and then .... SHE ABOUT KILLED ME!  

Before I could take my seat, she hit the corner of the top cardboard box, nipped me, and I let out a eeek-squeek! 

As she was backing up she realized I wasn't sitting beside her, I was doing an avoidance dance, and she giggled!

How dare she giggle!

"Give me those keys!"

                       * * * *

This time I got her.

We spied a sale that we'd been to last year when it was a walk through, a carport open at both ends.  It had really nice stuff, rugs, tall ladder, big mirror, women's products, mens graphic shirts and lo, and behold, a hat!  I needed a hat!  It was a bright sunny day and besides Jeani ALWAYS wears a hat.  I needed a hat.  It was affordable.

By golly, twisting it this way and that and even stepping to the mirror to check it out, I surreptiously looked around at Jeani's hat, and thought, "It might be a twin."

Later she pointed out that hers had been formed, tweaked at each side, to bend upwards.  

Well, we got to the table to pay, and we're telling the host couple our little funny stories, being cold wanting blankets that first night, etc. and I say thanks and paid for my hat.

Jeani comes up ..."I saw that hat."

"You may have seen it, but I bought it."

"It looks like mine."

"Well, it's not."

I said, "It just LOOKS like yours."

It had a green band and everything.  Except for the butterfly she had attached to the side of hers.

Just for kicks and grins, I looked at the gentlemen taking money and pointed to my head looking out of the corner of my eye at Jeani.

"See this, 1 dollar."  Holding up the newly purchased hat.

"See hers?  23 dollars.  I win."

Immediately my inner devil warned --

"Run!"

The Pity Friend

THE PITY FRIEND

BACK STORY

When Jeani and I were in our teens, a woman in a branch of our church went visiting from city to city, in this instance a city out of state.  She'd been to my church and seen how sick I was with asthma.  I've had terrible asthma, chronic asthma, sometimes so bad it led into pnuemonia.  That was in the day when no one had it and no one around us had never ever heard of asthma.

To be clear I got it when I was 3 y.o.  I'd seen my step-grandmother drink down a small (maybe 8 or 12 oz?) bottle of Pepsi in one long swallow.  Playing in our sandbox I filled a bottle with sand, upended it and drank that sand down like a Pepsi.  I actually do remember the feeling of silk as it slid down.

Mom said from the kitchen window that my great-grandmother was watching and said, "Gail, that girl has just killed herself!"

Well, I didn't die.  But came near as close to dying ... many, many times.  

So, this traveling woman came to pray for me once.  To her and the Good Lord's credit I got well within the day.  Also, to their credit, she went out to Brewster, Washington, and asked Jeani if she'd write to this girl in Indiana who probably wouldn't live long.

This year 2024, some 50 years later, I found out she thought she'd write to me for about 6 months.  Really????  Humpth!

And, about 4 or 5 years ago when Jeani and husband Van came to visit, we were all sitting at a round table where she tells this story to my grown sons.  They laughed and Spencer coined the moniker "Pity Friend".  

"Ah-ha!  So, she's a Pity Friend," he loudly laughed.

Well, my face glowered.  We'd been sharing letters, cards, photos, visited back and forth all these years.  We got together online, too, and she's the one who introduced me to FlyLady.net.  So, I didn't like thinking I was a pity friend instead of a true friend.

Jeani said later, "You're never going to forgive me for that, are you?"

Humpth, too much water under the bridge for that, too many good times and good things came of our friendship.  I'll forgive her.  Later.  Soon.  Oh, alright.  FORGIVEN!

CURRENT STORY

Just recently, on our way home from a trip to the gas engine and antique tractor show, while she was helping me drive my new-to-me truck and only-once-before-pulled a camper, I squeaked disbelief when I heard her say on the phone to another friend, "I have a problem with Pam - LOL - I mean Susan."

LOL, she really did mean Susan, I was just teasing her with that squeak.

I realized I was difficult to teach how to drive while pulling a trailer.  Too many questions she said.

And, I realized she was a trainer for people to earn their CDL license.  They just trusted her she said.

And I also realized this was a strain on our friendship.  That's what I assumed, anyway.

The consolation?  I think it was consolation.  Kind of like those backhanded compliments... 

I heard her telling my guys this:

"My Pity Friend refuses to die, so I'm teaching her to have adventures."

(Oh, boy, sky-ward eye rolling I am.  Here we go....)

Too Many Questions for her, TMI for me

Pen pal, life-long friend, Jeani, is a CDL trainer for a company in Oklahoma.  Someone wanting their CDL drives the big truck while Jeani rides shot gun giving instructions.   A job she's held for 5 years.  She's also held a CDL for 12 years, and recently drove through a downpour gripping the wheel and praying for the weather to clear up.  

Jeani's used to the teacher / student relationship.  She's used to a certain respect and authority.

Leaving the Tri-State Gas Engine and Antique Tractor Show with me at the wheel of a used-new-to-me Dodge Ram 1500 Quad Cab 4.7 V8 engine with a tonneau cover and reese hitch attached to a 7000 pound Trail-Lite R-Vision 6 bed camper, Jeani is riding in the passenger seat.  She agreed to help me handle these tandem vehicles -- how to turn wide into the next lane, brake way before I think I should, and make sure my trailer is between the white lines at all times.

There was a detour!

Our usual nice drive wasn't so nice now.

On the way to Portland, because of the detour, we ended up on narrow roads, with newly graveled shoulders, lots of little cars coming at us, and driving in the dark on the last leg of the trip. 

Heading back home from Portland, we passed one road after another that looked good enough for us on which to travel.  GPS didn't agree.  GPS kept us on a straight path west, and a straight path south, until we tied in to the main road .

I would ask, "Why?"  

I would ask, "Can't we take that road?"

I would ask, "Is my truck supposed to do that?"

Or, "It feels like we're rocking, are we supposed to rock?"

Or, "It feels like the camper is pushing us, then it backs off, then it pushes again.  Is that normal?"

And, "Do you think we should've put on the sway bars?"

Jeani reacted, "WE HAVE SWAYBARS!"  

If she'd known that, we wouldn't have left camp without them hooked up!  She did know that I had been sick a couple of days, and that I had allergic reactions to this truck, and it was only my second time pulling a trailer.  I was new.  Because there wasn't a trailer brake she had me slowing down way ahead of time.

"Slow down, Pamela.  We need to slow down.  BRAKE, BRAKE, BRAKE!"

35 miles later, we stop.  Again I asked a question, "Would you like for us to change it up?  Spencer and Calvin in the truck behind us wouldn't mind if we all switched places."

"You have a headache?"  She nodded and looked away with closed eyes.

I got in the passenger seat, Calvin got behind the wheel.

Jeani got in the passenger seat of Spencer's truck.

I walked up to the window, "Sorry 'bout your headache.  Do you need water, or some protein?  Is it stress or the heat?"

She said, "Stress."

"Stress?  Really?  From what?"

"Too many questions!"

Well. Humpth.  That was TMI!