Ventriloquism For Dummies

Ventriloquism For Dummies

"Throw your voice!" 

Aliza, The Ventriloquist's Doll, came nestled in a box labeled with attention grabbers,  "Throw your voice!"  "Put on a show!"  "Wiggle your fingers!"

In smaller print across the bottom, "Hand not included",  "Swazzle enclosed."

Swazzle?  

Is that a kazoo?

The ventriloquist took out the swazzle, a mouth piece, and gave it a try. 

"Schew, schew," it sounded like a toddler blowing "who" with spittle!

Still thrilled, The V, the ventriloquist, removed the doll, stroked her hair, smoothed her dress, and instantly threw her back out!  

Then ... Aliza spoke!

"It's difficult to get a good night's sleep around here."  the doll said.

"Chucky hogs the bed?" asked The V, the ventriloquist.

"It's fear."

"Is Chucky out to get you?"

"All night long, I'm Aliza on the edge!"

"I wanna be the dummy that talks." she continued.

"You want to go on the road, put on a show?" asks The V.

"Yes, you're holding me back!"

"I threw your back out.  I'm not holding you back!"

"Yes, you are.  I can feel it!"

"When Aliza down, it stands up."  she said.

"When you lie down WHAT stands up?" asked The V.

"It.  And when I stand up, it lies down."

"What stands up when you lie down?"

She bent to look down, "My feet.  MY FEET!"

"All right, all right, Aliza, relax.  You're fine."  said The V.

"Aliza wake at night," the doll complained.

"I know.  I hear Chucky has you on pins and needles."

"Not Chucky, it's my doctor, he's into acupuncture."

Then the dummy doll talked about being put to rest.

 "Aliza-mongst the best of them.  And the worst," 

"Who's the best?" asked The V.

"Oh, there's Charlie Horse,  Punch & Judy, Peanut, Walter."

"Who's the worst?" 

"Lamb Chop and Akmed.  He's a terrorist, you know."

"What's so scary about Lamb Chop?

She shivered and trembled, 

"Lamb CHOP sounds like Miss Piggy butchering supper,  "Hiiiiii....Ya!"

"Hey, mister V, if I held out my hand, would you bring it to your lips?'  she asked.

"Is this going somewhere?" asked The V.

"I want to know what it feels like to be treated like a real live woman, not a fir with a fungus."

"I'll have to think about it." 

"Kiss my spruce!" 

"Is that true?  Do you really want me to kiss your spruce," asked The V.

"No, not really, Aliz-again!"

"Say good-night, Aliza."  said The V.

The dummy replied, "Good night, Aliza!"