10 FUNNY THINGS BY MY FATHER'S COUSIN, Carolyn Webb

As told to me, these are 10 funny things from my faithful blog reader, my father’s older cousin, who is in her 80's.  She enjoys flowers, praising the Good Lord, and humor. 

This is being retold as best I can in Mrs. Webb's voice.

1.  Jack came down to visit us, he was about 5 years old, real little, real little, when a really bad storm came along. 

 

He called from the bedroom, "Aunt Wheeze come here."

He couldn't say Louise, he called her Aunt Wheeze.

"Come get in this house, I'm afraid!" he said.

“Don’t be afraid Jack, Jesus is in there," she said.

Jack said, “Well, I don’t see him.”

2.  Bus driver told my elementary aged daughter and son,

"See you tomorrow.” 

My daughter talked back, “Good Lord willing, YOU will.”  

My son thought her tone inappropriate,“I’m gonna tell mom."

3.   My mom and we were at Aunt Lotty’s house.  The boys, my 3 brothers, ate so much cake it was pitiful, just pitiful.

“You may as well give me the last piece," said one boy to Aunt Lotty,  "I’m going to get a whippin’ anyway!"

4.  Mrs. Webb said, "We were in my dad’s model T Ford, this goes back to the 40’s.  Tulu, my sister had long fingernails; my sisters were real pretty girls."

"In this Model T there wasn't much room for the 4 of us."

"Tulu and Mary were the only one’s had a seat, the rest of us had to sit between legs; we had to suffer."

5.  What are my older brothers Mike and Mark doing today?

Baptizing two teddy bears.

6.  On this road, a road that went down a hill about a 100 yards, my brothers Mike and Mark eyes bulged out.

On the way down the hill, Moby was watching and said,

“The Lord was surely with them.”

7.  One Sunday a little boy, 2 or 3 years old, was taken out of church on his dad's shoulder.

‘Cause he knew he was gonna get a whipping, he cried, “Brethren, pray for me.”

8.  Me and my brother Denny started laughing in church.  A new brother had come into church and he sounded funny.   Mom pointed to us to go outside!

9.  Mom would fix us lunch, in a sack, you know.  

But by noon, I wouldn't have any.

I would eat it before we got on the bus!

10.  Dennis, my younger brother, who was a second grader, was real little standing up on a chair washing dishes.

"Dennis!” Mom called.

"What?” Dennis asked.

"Use some elbow grease on those pots and pans."

He answered, "Well, give me some!"

Mrs. Webb shared her beautiful yellow cup flowers with me.  

They make me smile as often as she does.

TYBEE HAPPY: FIREWORKS, YAY! AND DRIVING ON FUMES?

Fireworks, Yay!

I was riding in the backseat of our Dodge truck wishing we'd stop somewhere for fireworks before the 4 of us got home.

Immediately, we turned the corner to change roads when up ahead on a hill I spied this barn-like steal and block structure packed full of fireworks! 

"Stop!  Turn around!"

Fire trucks flanked the building that had gaping garage door openings and was topped with a USA flag.

Calvin very obligingly did.  We were in Tennessee on Big Creek Road avoiding stalled traffic on the interstate.

"Turn around, please!"  to Calvin driving, "Would you mind going back?  I've been wanting some fireworks!" 

It was so much fun.  The firewoman there said, "Bet you think it's odd that the fire department is selling fireworks?  We can sell it cheaper and it makes a good fundraiser."  The firemen standing around chewing the fat were entertaining.  They added, "It's an opportunity to educate the children."

After Jeani's first purchase, and with us resting in the truck, she went back for more, LOL!  To give her due, she'd been on the phone to her son and taken a purchase order, chuckle.  That fixed it, I was double glad we stopped.

Driving on Fumes?

It was my turn to buy gas.  We were in Lexington, Kentucky, at the Speedway.  Interestingly. several items were out-of-stock, the ice tea dispenser wasn't working, and there weren't appropriate cups.  Speaking to the clerk she said the manager had just come in on his day off to right those things.  She pointed to a very busy, tall, lean gentleman wearing every day clothes.

It was a sign of the times - lack of product, "Help Wanted" posters, and high gas prices.

I grabbed the pump handle, followed prompts, poked handle into gas tank, gripped the release, watched gallons and price numbers rise and rise.

$60.  Okay, I've seen the fellows pay that much before.

$83.  Okay, that seems a little high, but maybe we'd driven a little further than I'd thought.

The numbers kept right on rising.   

I looked under the truck, "Is it leaking somewhere?!"   Seriously, I looked under the truck.

$104!!!  22 gallons of gas!!!

I tell you, we were driving on fumes!  FUMES, I say!

TYBEE HAPPY ON RIVER STREET

The people of River Street are colorful characters!  Three examples include the peanut shop owner who was vivacious and quick, the waiter who sported yellow, and the fortune teller who "knew all", sometimes.

First, the fortune teller, Zoltar, who wasn't really a person, but we got a kick out of him anyway.

From his vending machine slot came the little butter colored card that said, "You will be happy.  You love a beautiful home and will possess one someday."   ROFL, I think I already have a home!  Whether beautiful or not, that's subjective.

John's card told him to wear onyx for good luck.  Now, can you see him wearing jewelry?  NOT.  And, it said if he'd curb his temper he'd be healthier.  Well, John doesn't have much of a temper.  He is tempered, tho, strong and moderate.

Next, Tubby's Restaurant waiter who sported yellow.  The yellow fellow was an attentive waiter wearing glasses with yellow frames and socks that were yellow.  It was fun trying to get his full-length photograph.

Calvin pointed him out while Calvin was eating his red snapper which was delicious.  John had chicken fingers.  I had salad with French bread that just hit the spot.  Jeani had a tostado salad that looked scrumptious.  On the balcony with black wrought iron railing we sat looking out over the Savannah River watching tugboats, barges, and the Georgia Queen paddle boat sail on by.

Finally, fancy Nancy, the owner of The Peanut Shop, has to be mentioned. 

 Actually, she could be a whole blog by herself.  She was vivacious, opinionated, friendly, happy and she addressed everyone, all customers and their children alike.  We stepped into the library-like shop with dark wood shelving and walls lined with cans of peanuts.  I told her I had to bring my friend to meet her.  

Nancy got all excited flipping her hands and becoming animated. We shopped.  I took her picture.  We left.  Then, I forget why, but we returned.  I took her picture from the side while Jeani was in front of the counter.  Feeling uncertain, I asked her if we could take her picture.

Oh my goodness!  She began adjusting her clothing, patting her face, smacking her lips, and checking her looks.  She didn't want to glisten nor have her dress askew.  She took Jeani's cellphone to adjust her position to get good lighting.  THEN TOOK A PICTURE OF HERSELF!

Later, as we were navigating the cobblestones of River Street, Jeani exclaimed, "NANCY DELETED ALL MY PICTURES OF HERSELF, EXCEPT ONE!" 

The nerve!  You don't commandeer someone else's phone and take those kinds of liberties!

Well, I had pics.  So Jeani and I shared.  Jeani also showed me that on my cellphone below fancy Nancy's photo were several other photos because I had that edit feature of photos seconds before and seconds after the final shot.

So, the above photograph is one of those before shots!  

Fancy Nancy will remain a smiling sentimental memory for me.  She got the light just right.  She tilted her head just so.  Her bling was there.  And like her lipstick, her personality sparkles.

Such characters, those people of River Street!

TYBEE HAPPY - THE ROACH, THE ROCK, AND "A BOMB!"

It was a beautiful blue, warm, and sunny day.  We were Tybee Happy.

Jeani said the houses were beachy cute, the pace was calm and relaxed, there's no traffic, and there's a breeze from the ocean.

We were walking back to our Royal Palms Motel from Seaweeds Ice Cream & Snow Cone shop.  John was slurping away on his strawberry ice cream, Calvin was enjoying his butter pecan, Jeani was spooning her rainbow sherbet, as we all nonchalantly walked down the sidewalk.  Oops!   I spied something large and black at our feet.  I didn't know what it was, as I'd never seen one before, just thought it was an insect native to Tybee.

"Oh!  What's that?"  I yelled out just for devilish fun, "It looks like a roach."  

Jeani back stepped, then high-stepped right over the thing, and squealed.

"Too bad you missed it," I was laughing so hard, "I wanted to see and hear you crunch it!"

Mercy, it was a roach!  And, it had friends zipping in and out from under the nearby trash can.  Now, I'm grossed out, yuk. 

***

When we'd return to Royal Palms Motel in our golf cart to park near the electrical outlet (it wasn't a gas-fueled golf cart) I would remind whoever was driving, "Park at the white rock."

More than once, I would speak up.

Finally, after a nice ride around the island, and parking the cart nose to wall, I had to step over the white rock myself.  Then I happened to take a closer look.   It was an upside down styrofoam paper plate!   

Jeani confessed,  "I hated to tell you!"  

Grrrr.......

***

On one of our little golf cart tours around Tybee Island we went to a boat dock on Alley Street.  To the left of us men were very busy attaching posts and material to dinghies.  They were going dinghy sailing.

"If we drive right on up, we could drive into the water," I dared Jeani, the current golf cart driver.

"This is as far as we go," Jeani wasn't having it.

I looked at the friendly man nearest us, who was tromping around arranging rocks and his gear to his liking, "Would you save us?"  I laughed.

"No," the stranger smiled back.

John who wasn't about to stay in the cart piped up, "I'll get out my camera and take pictures, if you do." 

The stranger began to tell us island lore.

"There's a jeep out there, been there 15 years, and no, it's not a Willies.  If it was, it'd be gone by now.  Fishermen lose their hooks to it."

"There's also a nuclear bomb on the next island," and he waved his hand westward, "It's buried deep in the mud.  People are always out there trying to find it." 

I asked what'd happen if it'd detonate.

He replied, "It'd take all that island and most of this one off the map!"

Checking at the Fort Screven museum, it seems it's true.  The B-57's bomb lies under 15 feet of mud but the Air Force claims it was disabled beforehand.  If not, wouldn't that create some breeze!

We're still Tybee Happy, and remembering the sandy beach and the blue ocean breezes, John says, "I've had my dose for this year, but I'm not so sure I can make it last until next year!"

 

TYBEE HAPPY ARRAY

We're headed south!  To beaches unknown!  And beaches known, LOL.

We're Tybee Happy.  This happy array of vacation happenings includes me, hubby John, our son Calvin, and a penpal friend of 49 years, Jeani.  

 1 - To the Diner in Sevierville, TN

"If you're driving too long, and your man's hungry, you might find scratches in the dash!" quotes Jeani.

2 - The Incredible Christmas Place, Pigeon Forge 

From Mrs. Claus Sweet Shop in Pigeon Forge, I called home to son Spencer, "How'd you know I was going to ask that?"  I exclaimed.   He had been telling me they were working on Ian's bike but before I could ask which flavor of fudge he wanted from this shop he ended his conversation with, "Lemon Meringue!"  

"What?  How'd you know?"  And he busted a gut laughing at his own cleverness.

3 - St. Michael's Church thrift store, Tybee Island

There's a thrift store on Wilmington Island and one on Tybee Island.  Tybee's thrift shop is part of St. Michael's Church and is only open one day a week for 2 hours.  
 

We walked in with an older woman that turned out to be the cashier.  Jeani asked her why only one day and only a few hours.  The friendly elderly lady explained she was 80, one of the gals inside was 89, "Honey, the average of our help is 85!"

At a Tybee beach, three bathing beauties stopped just this side of the boardwalk to chat up Calvin who was leaning on the railing next to his dad.  The one in orange bikini sat in the sand waiting on a hermit crab to pop out of a hole.  Calvin was explaining how the hermit crabs operated when one hole became active with sand shooting out.  Then UP POPPED a crab that scuttled away 6 inches to add to his pile of sand and scampered back down.  The girls squealed and giggled.  Then they got a stick to check the depth of the hole but the stick was never long enough!  They chatted up Calvin for a long time. They were a happy threesome, leaving footprints in the sand and walking into the sunset lit sea.  Yep, we saw it!

There's another boardwalk to another beach that crosses a retention pond for a housing addition. You can feed the turtles and observe them steadily approach.  This year the water was dried up for about 20 feet.  It should've been right under us!  Looking closely at the water, you could see black pepper-like dots on the surface.  Those were turtles' heads coming our way!  Thousands of them!!!  We know, because there's that many more on the other side of the walk and no matter how long you stand there watching, taking pictures, tossing bread, they keep coming!  It's amazing, truly amazing!

4 - Comfort Inn & Quality Inn, South Carolina

Motel Mishaps occurred on the way home.

Comfort Inn Motel  

Toilet squirted water on the floor onto my ankles!!!  It came from the water supply valve that's between the wall and the stool!  The clerk called up a maintenance man who, of course, couldn't make it repeat.  But wall trim and wet grout made a believer.  Who gets their ankles washed by toilet water!?!?

Quality Inn 

I pulled back the covers on my bed to discover dirt and black hair.  Walked downstairs (this one had NO ELEVATOR) to complain and the clerk said they didn't have any housekeeping, at least not until tomorrow.  He gave me clean bedding and offered me a discount to change my own sheets.  

Quality Inn 

The toilet wasn't seated like it should've been.  I'd guess it needed a new wax ring.  When we sat down it did a little rocking motion.  Eeeek!  I came out of the restroom singing to Jeani,  "We girls wobble but we don't fall down."

Jeani pursed her lips and left off the r like a toddler learning to talk,  "Wax wings won't work", ROFLMHO!

****

Headed home, headed north, to a land of no beaches, but remaining ... Tybee Happy!

TYBEE HAPPY? COP! WHERE COP?!

I tell you we heard sirens blazing!

We heard whoop-whoop!

We heard nee-naw, nee-naw, nee-naw!

We heard rēē-o, rēē-o, rēē-o!

OH!  MY!  LANDS!

THOSE SOUNDS FILLED THE TRUCK!

I mean they FILLED IT!  We were going down the interstate above the speed limit, and this sound filled the truck.  The sound inflated our ears and bulged our eyes!

Woop, woop! Nee-naw, nee-naw!

I began frantically looking for lights flashing –- around the  windshield, the door posts, and the back seat.

I should be seeing strobing lights going around the inside of the truck with a “Whomp, whomp, whomp”, right?

As fast as a squirrel caught in the middle of the road, I swiveled and twisted, searching for the source of this sound.  I sat up straight to get a better view.  I grabbed my door handle and quickly looked out my own window.

Then I scanned the faces of the others.  

John had been dead asleep, but lickety-split, he reared up to see “what on earth is going on?!”

Jeani clicked on her right turn signal to change lanes, while reducing speed.  She's thinking "I'm not a bad person, I'll turn on the clicker to go for the slow lane." She said her “heart was beating like a loose bird in her chest”!

Me? I’m still hunting for the bubble gum lights. I looked in the visor's mirror, no emergency vehicles in sight.

I looked ahead, no cars around.  

I looked on the bridge of the overpass.  

I hunted for a fast speeding cop car coming down the on-ramp.

I looked in the mirror on my door.  Nothing.  NOTHING!

Where on earth is this police car????  The engulfing sound was so unexpected that we got the bejeebers scared out of us!

Then, revelation.

"What?  What.  Oh, m'bad.  Sorry.”  We hear Calvin from the backseat as he removed his earplugs. 

That horrible head-filling sound magically died.

 It must've taken him a few minutes to realize what was going on. 

Jeani figured, "He probably felt the truck slow down and go right!"

Turns out, it was his cellphone's "get up, get ready for work" alarm set for noon! 

OH!  MY!  LANDS!  One of us could've died!  Died of heart failure, died laughing…

Jeani said, “It did give us a heart attack.”

Calvin made the day!  Whoop-whoop!

He chuckled, "It did its job.”

 

TYBEE HAPPY, THEY WENT A'SWIMMIN'

They went a'swimmin'!

WITHOUT ME!

I caught a cold, I was miserable.  And then, and then, I got food poisoning!  Yes!  Yes, I suffered both at once.  It was the food at Rock House Original Bar and Grill, I'm positive.  I moaned and groaned and threw up all night.  They all prayed for me.  And then they went a'swimmin'!

Beforehand, they were thoughtful --  Jeani kindly buying ginger ale, John bringing in saltine crackers, and Calvin choosing some wine.  

Oh, the wine!  I gotta tell ya about the wine.  We each had our favorite but we didn't give thought to the corks.  How to get them out?  The cork ended up inside, and the wine ended up outside....all over the wall, and sink sideboard and more.  I have a picture of Jeani cleaning to prove it, hee, hee, hee.

They also went to the Breakfast Club sans me but Jeani didn't get to see the pirate cook, I guess he sailed on.  Calvin ate too much - slathered salsa on his breakfast burrito, I hear.

So, then they went a'swimmin'!

Me:  How was the water?

John:  W-un-dur-ful!

Jeani:  Awesome!

Calvin:  It was warm, Dad & I saw 3 dolphins.

I wondered, are you sure?  One year Spencer & John thought they saw a small shark - shadow and air bubbles and jumping fish as evidence.  Last year Ian and Nikki were absolutely positive they saw a shark fin swimming 10 feet away -- looking up the color and size on the internet as evidence.  So, I wondered ...

Finally, I get to go a'swimmin'.

Oh, the waves!  Gorgeous.  Warm.  Blue.  Oh, the things God did do!

We watched 3 men go kiteboarding.  It's a large canopy that pulls a surfboard across the water -- "a technical watersport that involves serious skill".  The first guy was lean and wiry and and got his canopy up fast.  He was the closest to us.  The third guy was older, very muscular, and leathery.  He got his up and was gone!  He became a dot on the horizon.  Quite the experienced professional that had us in awe and we wondered what he'd do if he got in trouble so far away from shore.

Calvin asked Jeani, "Did you like your trip?"  

Jeani said, "Loved every minute of it, every minute!  First time I've ever swam, SWAM, in the ocean.  There's no swimming in the ocean off Florida [West Palm Beach] too much sand in it.  I loved swimming in Tybee."

 

TYBEE HAPPY IS T'BEE HAPPY

Tybee happy is T'bee happy and what made us 'bee happy yesteryear still makes us 'bee happy this year.

A few vacations ago my sister Mary flew into Savannah, Georgia, where we picked her up at the airport and scuttled her off to Tybee Island to our Royal Palm Motel room.  It was so in need of remodel that our feet were constantly black from the carpet.  

The next few years, in a state of flux, the motel didn't rent rooms.  Last year and this, we had lovely rooms outfitted in retro teal.  And no black feet.  Wonderful.  

Though it was complete with teal fridge and microwave, teal handled broom and dustpan, and teal coffee maker, it wasn't quite sufficient.  Calvin had to have a bigger coffee maker, LOL.  That's our double mug espresso every morning son!  Off to T. S. Chu's department store we went.  They claim to have everything.  Though they're no Wal-Mart, their inventory was respectable and supplied all needs for tourism and especially swimming.  They even had a flirty babe trying to catch Calvin's eye.  We absolutely got a bigger coffee maker!

T. S. Chu's was our second favorite store.  Our very favorite store was Christy's.  But I'll save that for next year.    This year we're discussing our favorites that make us Tybee happy.

Another favorite is the Sundae Cafe.  We've been there before on several vacations.  At a round table we'd been seated far left, corner crowded, so when the hostess appeared I said, "Our usual, please." 

And we are pleased.  The first year Spencer had the grouper.  This year Calvin had the grouper.   Always with the grouper.  Delicious.  

It's also customary to have the female of our group pose with Captain Morgan.  He is the epitome of the sea!  Quite the pirate, quite imposing in height, and quite ruggedly handsome.  The souvenir shop's female cashiers in their bikinis wheel out this statue figure of a man when the doors open and wheel him in when the doors close.  He depicts the daring debonair of a devilish man!  One of our co-vacationers posed with her head tilted on his black shoulder.  Another stood at his side.  But our Jeani, just as rakish as he, placed herself right in his arms!  "Aye, lassie, but ya be shivering' me timbers!"

One more favorite that makes us Tybee happy is the Tybean Coffee Bar.  It's at Tybee Oaks, "a collection of funky one of a kind local shops right off highway 80" - - cottages in beach colors.  There's Tipsy Mermaid Art, Seaside Sisters, and Inferno, a hot sauce emporium.  But we, not once but twice, and lastly before turning in our golf cart, had to make a detour to the coffee bar.   Oh my, the friendly guy made mine perfect - - weak, sweet, and tepid, with a good dose of peppermint.  Ah, the sweetness, the histamine, the caffeine, the lingering coolness of mint!  Happy!

Tybee happy is T'bee happy!  Next year, we must return.

TYBEE VACATION - AT THE WHEEL

Every vacation to Tybee Island, Georgia, includes a different mixed bag of peoples.  This time Jeani, my penpal of 49 years, went with John, Calvin and me.  

I should tell you that Jeani teamed with her husband across the USA, she has a CDL.  For the last 5 years they taught semi driving, and they tested drivers (upwards of 8 a day) for their CDLs, which means Jeani would have to ride shotgun.  If the driver couldn't do it, she made him trade places and she'd drive the truck back to the lot! 

On this trip while she was driving my Dodge Ram SXT that I nicknamed SeXyTruck (she only drove once, this was vacation after all!) she began searching for her cameras - her big one with extra lens and her cellphone.

Calvin:  I'm not screaming!
John:  I'm not scared! 

After some "at the wheel" shenanigans, I teased Jeani.  Jeani laughingly complained, "She's trying to take my driving permit."

Calvin piped up, "Hey, that's what that cop said, but look at me!"

LOL, yah, we know all about Calvin and his penchant for driving fast and getting speeding tickets.  

"Don't drive near the 4-H fairgrounds with your little Capri, Mom."  Hum, I wonder why......

So, at Tybee we get the key for our blue electric roomy golf cart with rear facing seat and back foot guard.  What's it's purpose?  To hold our drink cups!  Well, some of the time.  When the driver, Jeani, hits an especially high speed bump, John's water bottle shoots up in the air, comes back down in the grassy wet side ditch "I'm not getting it!" and my Diet Pepsi flies into the middle of the road on a little bridge and rolls and rolls and rolls spilling Pepsi as it goes, those drink cup holders don't do the job!  

Calvin jumped out to save the day, held my Pepsi can high like a sceptre.  Shoot, he failed to see another golf cart coming from behind him.  We saw.  Coming from in front was another vehicle, slowing, eyeballing our tomfoolery.  They saw.   I thought, "Poor Calvin in the middle." 

"There's not gonna be much left of my Pepsi or him!"

When he came back to the golf cart, he said, "I definitely got air on that one!  Whee!  Yipee!"

We'd been warned by Tybee Golf Carts that this particular cart would jump forward when first starting up.  Well, it did.  Jeani was driving and it lurched.  

"I've learned to put my foot up.  This back guard is the brake," laughed John. 

"I'm awake now!" That was Calvin who'd go to bed late gaming, and sleep in the next morning.

Jeani preferred to call the guys her back-up cameras, "Be-eep, be-eep, beep."

Calvin was the instigator of all this.  The first day Jeani didn't want to drive the cart.  When she finally did, she was very kosher, a polite by-the-book driver.  Stopping precisely at stop signs, going daintily over speed bumps, and turning around only in driveways.  The second day I dropped my jaw, she turned around in the middle of the road!!!  

But I have to give Calvin credit.  He taught her.  If a man hole cover came in view, he ran over it.  If there was a divot in the road he made sure the wheel closest to Jeani got the brunt.  If there was a hump or a speed bump he approached with gusto.

The third day there was no need to ask who wanted to drive.  Ready to go on the day's adventure, I announced, "I'm gonna go sit out there in the golf cart until you're all ready."  

Jeani picked up the keys hanging from the spot on the wall of our motel room, the little eager beaver said, "You want me to warm it up for you."