"I Read It On A Turtle"

Nicolette, a new friend of the family, complained about the temperature in the flea market store, "It's 80 degrees in here."  How do you know, we asked, thinking it was an odd thing to know right there at that moment.  "I read it on a turtle!"   LOL, sure enough a thermometer was embedded into a ceramic turtle figurine hanging up for sale. Ha, ha, ha, "I read it on a turtle."

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Granny, John's mother, told me over the phone about John's dad sitting next to her in church,  "When are you gonna sing?" she asked him.   The dad replied, "I'm singing.  I'm singing so low you can't hear me."

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John stated, "WATCH!  Watch out for pigs!  They get out there on the interstate and die!
"Been there, done that."  And it wasn't funny.

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Clint gave me a twinkling eye-brow raised look.  I could read his mind,  "How ya gonna take that fun little poke?"   So, I beat him about the head and shoulders with the red licorice twizzler in my hand.  Then, like a Sherlock Holmes criminal, I ate the evidence!

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Calvin, who has a reputation of waiting late to apply brakes at stop signs, told us of his adventure in Chicago, "That taxi driver made my driving look like I'm a recruiter!"

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To the newly married sons we quoted my father, "Marriage is the biggest compromise you'll ever make."  One son quickly replied, "Massive compromise!  You make 'em all!"

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Clint's 3 point advice:  Don't smoke a joint.  Don't drink cocktails.  And if a man with a gun approaches, run!

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Miss Lilly, aged 2, stepped into my shoes I had just slipped off.  "Those are GrammyPam shoes," I laughed.  She corrected me, "No.  Mine.  I'ma gonna walk."

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His quick response was, "Why?  Can't you see me in my clown outfit?"
when I leaned over Darling Hubby and squinted, "I'm a'wondering if I switched my contacts if you'd look funny."

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Ever say to your child,  "That's not funny"?  One of mine disagreed, "Tis to funny!"

I think I'll go read my turtle now, tis funny.