The ABC's of Boyhood

 The ABC's of BOYHOOD

A - ACRONYM - When naming your progeny, watch the acronym.   Arnold Stephen Parker, what a sneaky snake, ASP!   Peter Owen O'Brien, ew, POO!   Zachery Allen Perry, he'll be ZAPped daily!  Don't do it!

B - BAT - Refrain from giving a boy a bat, his toy truck might sub for a baseball, and he might think Gunner the dog can play catch.

C - CHALK - Has many uses -- learning to write one's name,  drawing stick figures, making railroad tracks and racing ovals on the sidewalk, swallowing, choking, colored vomit.

D - DRY WALL - Hole in the drywall?  They'll just hang a picture over it.  Mom won't discover for 5 years!!!

E - EXCAVATION - Excavating's okay 'til the hole's so deep it needs shoring.   You will have to explain that shoring doesn't mean building up the walls like a bank.  They'll think you mean "when you hit water get out uncle's oars to head to shore."

F - FOOD - This is it's own ABC's.  A - Always have some.  B - Backup, always have some.  C - Carrots, always have some.  THEY won't eat carrots, YOU will always have some.

G - GOLF CLUB - Hide all golf clubs, not everything swung at will first rest on a tee.

H - HOLES - In the yard you just need to know that they exist and where they exist, from golfing holes to dog dug holes to "Let's bury her Little Pony!" holes.

I - INSECTS - Give 'em a magnifying glass on a sunny day and they can use the rays on insects as a precursor to becoming CSI agents.  It's a goal!

J - JUMP -  When they become teenagers and take 45 minute naps in the shower under hot water, just expect it.  Your water bill will JUMP!

K - KNIVES - Sharp, dull, paring, butcher, washed, dirty - doesn't matter, bloody skin can be achieved even with a butter knife.

L - LAUNDRY CHUTE - Keep full of dirty clothes.  If empty, pre-teens can, and will, hand down to their sibling  below, their infant brother!

M - MATCHES - Look cool, taste cool, smell cool, are fuel!

N - NOT ME, IT WASN'T ME!  Those words, the backbone of life, are learned at birth.  Once out of the womb, just before inserting right thumb, your precious, innocent infant will look at you while you're still recovering from the pain of it all and utter, "Not Me, It Wasn't Me!" 

O - OVER MY DEAD BODY!  Another string of words that become a parental staple.  If it's someone other than you saying it, you'd better investigate before the coroner does.

P - PIT - You know where that pit is, even if you only see the crown of their brown hair!  Digging a six-foot pit has benefits -- time-consuming, uses up energy, centralizes tools and terrorists. 

Q - QUALITY INN'S POOL - A teenager infested indoor pool of  manmade waves bounding over the edges and ledges will assume the nature of a tsunami.  Clerks ramp up charges!

R - ROCKS -  Oh, for the love of rocks; to load a toy backhoe bucket, to dare a monster truck's climb, to fill pockets, to dam water, to wallow in your mouth until they're clean, to clog mom's clothes machine.

S - STICKS - All sticks, all the time, many uses, any time.  Whacker, smacker, scepter, sword, lightsaber, wand, rapier, pointer, ant ramp, security alert, and gun!  RUN!  

T - TREE TRIMMERS - Know where they are at all times, even glancing out the window to see neighbors evergreens being de-branched by your own little hellions, know that that is where your tree trimmers are.

U - UNDER COVER - Moving lumps, about the size of a child's head, under a blanket on the floor, indicates the other child poised on the bed MUST be stopped, especially mid-leap!

W - WADING POOL - Every family needs one.  Maybe, two.  One in the attic for backup.  They hold water, wild turtles, baby ducks, miscellaneous collections, and dirt piles.  They don't hold up as a landing during an Evil Knieval tricycle jump.  Keep tissues handy but a dirty sleeve will do.

X - X-RAY!  Yes, when the chubby girl in second grade lands on your skinny boy during gym and breaks him, you will need an x-ray.  Thankfully, collar bones heal quickly.

Y - Y, Why?  That is a question.  A question repeated until the end of time, your life-time.  Don't let it drive you crazy, avoid therapy by keeping handy the only reasonable answer "Because."  

Z - ZOOM -  Boys' got it, boys use it, boys regenerate it with naps.  Beware!  It's a repeating cycle; ZOOM, ZOOM, nap, ZOOM, ZOOM, nap, ZOOM ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz........

From A to Z, you and he will survive boyhood.  Grab a nap.

In the meantime, if you text your husband asking for help, beware, he will laugh, "I just read your joke -- Me Time!"