RED AND CHEERFUL, TINSEL AND BRIGHT

Red and cheerful, the house looks wonderful.

Christmas lights adorning the yard, electrified Mr. and Mrs. Claus waving a hello, and soldiers guarding the entry stand welcoming.  The inside Santa placing a hat on frosty snowman hangs on the wall.  Hubby's prized pirate figurine even sports a miniature Santa hat, fur ball thrown over left shoulder!  A manger scene set before mirrored glass reminds us why this season of goodwill exists.  

The cat purrs her contentment, in the same room as the wood stove; she curls herself into a shiny black ball, laying on orange terry cloth discarded atop a flower garland, and she's looking like a centerpiece ... until she opens her mouth and exposes pink tongue and white teeth in a yawn of faked disinterest.

No fireplace, but the stairs support red stockings trimmed in white fur.  All stockings, even the girlfriend's and the one expected in Spring, are full and bulging.  Their peaks of many gifts, and the peeking of gifts with eyes, were tempting early investigations - candy?  chocolate?  trinket?  book?  stuffed animal?  a thousand dollars?

Back rooms ready and waiting for guests.

Bathroom soap dispenser is red-nosed.

Kitchen secrets food for devourment, the freezer knows of happy dishes, the appliances held forth linens of the season, and the counter tauts "Here's the cake!" 

As supposed to be, the food would be an answer to taste buds.  Taste buds waiting in expectation of specific flavors - new and exciting, old and remembered, current and wanting.    

The table's haphazardly set with not enough forks, and unmatching chairs parked willy nilly here and there under the table with added leaves.  

The sought coffee pot's set up for early morning risers and day drinkers.

Gifts of red and white, green and red, and silvery blue are piled higher than the lowest Christmas tree branch -- which reaches out in protection.  It interweaves decorations of trains, airplanes, Hallmark pups, Starbuck cups, gold baubles, and glittery bulbs with light strands a'plenty.  Amongst the candy canes on every branch are added a "Believe", a "Noel", and a treetop star heralding "Merry Christmas".

No Rockwell painting here, nothing perfect, no life yet.

Words, these words,  brush stroke a tinsel and bright family portrait -- they're coming.

.

TODDLER TALK WITH JACOB AND CLINTON JACOB

He's not exactly talking, but we sure do communicate!  He's a toddler with high energy, arms out-reaching, and purpose,   "I see.  I get."

That's Jacob, a blue eyed, under 2 feet tall, 16 month old, toddle-like walker who's in that excited discovery stage "I see it.  And, by golly, I'm gonna get it!"  

Communication without words?  Here's examples, these were all in one afternoon:   a bite of deviled eggs from GrammyPam gets an "ummmmm" from his hungry lips, a grabbed small poinsettia plant evokes a "ahhhhhh" of pleasure as he reaches up to pull it down to his eye level, and an empty mouth spying desired food on someone's plate provokes, "uh, uh, uh" as in want, want, want.  

And, boy howdy, is he speedy!  He came into the family room waving my pink dowel rod that was stashed behind the utility room door, and we didn't even realize he'd left the room!

Currently master Jacob likes to put things in his mouth.  Yesterday he wandered into the kitchen and came out with food, a club cracker in each hand!  Where he got those is a mystery, and that's funny.  

Mom says he's discovered that if he gets into the bread drawer he can shake a loaf of bread until it pops open so he can have a slice.  I keep saying she's got a hungry boy who's growing more muscle than that little Lilly girl!  Lilly has aversions, and doesn't always eat well.  This boy is a whole new ball game.

His father, Clinton Jacob, confessed.  He told us a story from his own youth.  "Mrs. Gable, probably 60 years old, was my teacher.  In her class I ate a whole glue stick.  I told her,  "Mrs. Gable, I ran out of glue."  I'm sure she looked at me funny since I had pink lips!"  

I just sit there in shock with my own mouth wide open!  Ew, a whole glue stick!!!

And then my mind wanders back to those sayings around the house that emerged from the boys' growing years.  One was  "I'm as hungry as I ever been."   

Another was purloined from my father,   "I'm so hungry my big gut is eating my little gut!" 

"Feed this boy" and the male speaker usually points a finger to his own chest.

"Are you hangry?  Huh, huh, huh, are you hangry?"  (This was brought to us 20 years ago by cousin Jack before it was ever said on TV.)  It means, "Are you so hungry you're angry?"

"Milk this boy!"  means give this boy a glass of milk, or if age appropriate, a baby bottle.

"I need a Hungry Man meal!"  Again, a purloined phrase, this one is from Campbell's soup; you can hear the commercial in your mind, right?  "How do you handle a hungry man?  The man handler."

Sometimes my teenagers would open the refrigerator door, stand inside and holler out, "She ain't got nothing, who wants to go to Hardees?"

They grew, they made sure of it, they left home like good adult sons do, but sometimes on their way back home for a visit they phone,  "Do you have something fixed, or do I need a drive-thru?"  During my pause, thinking of what's in the fridge, or what I might quickly cook-up, they make a quick decision,  "Never-mind, we're going to a drive-through!"

Click.

Well, durn.  Not my arms, but my voice is out-reaching, like Jacob, I need to communicate, "Hey, I'm hangry, too!  Uh, uh, uh."

THE MISTER'S MENAGERIE

"Come on in!  Yes, walk right up the ramp!  There!  You've got it!  One hoof in front of the other!"

And I looked on aghast at the girth of the elephants, the height of the giraffes, the muscle bound rhinoceros, the swarms of bees, and the mated serpents eyes that gleamed "You look delicious!  I want to bite you!"

Noah was encouraging all these creatures to get on board while I was wondering where on earth, I mean ship, I was going to sleep.

He said we were going on a cruise, right?  But these fellow passengers are rough and rowdy, smelly, and hungry enough to eat the horses!   Cruise?  Phooey!  Looks like a Katrina rescue to me.

"Noah, how do you want me to dress for this trip?"

  

"You always look good to me, honey, anything will do."

How like a man.  I mean, if I'm gonna help slop the pigs, I'm not putting on my pearls!  Besides, westwardly, it's looking gloomy and dark, I'm starting to think slickers, wading boots and a bumbershoot!  

And here comes the rain.  

And here comes more rain.

And here comes more and more rain -- pelt-pelt-pelt.

A foul stench wafts into our captain's quarters.   Ew, like the excrements of a thousand men on iron supplements.  "Can I open a window?" 

"Do you have bailing buckets?"  asked hubby.

"What is that smell anyway?  Smells like it's coming from your ass?  That donkey's has been eating hay all day!  Sheesh.  And the flies!"

"Shem, give me a flyswatter." 

Noah, "No!  No!  No!  I need at least seven of 'em!"

"Then I'm swatting 163!"

"Japeth, was it you who drew in that leviathon?  Give me that hook!  You do know this is a no smoking zone?  His smoking nostrils and firey mouth will burn down our house....uh...ship!   Give.  Me.  That.  Hook.  Oh, my goodness, what's a mother to do with you boys.  You're just like your father."

From the rafters comes a "Who?  Who?  Who?" 

"Noah -- that's who!"  

"Ham, I need help in here.  You've got a long reach.  I don't mind birds in the hull, but they don't need to be here in my sleeping quarters.  Can you get that partridge out of the pear tree?  Thank you, son."

Noah interjects, "Maybe we should retire to the land of slumber for the rest of this trip.

The rooster can crow up the sun, and the dove can tell us when we've reached land."

"What do you mean you put a hole in the ship?  Are you nuts?"  I'm aghast again.

 Shem, Japeth, and Ham stand there like those monkeys Hear No Evil, See No Evil, and Speak No Evil, "Well, mom, you said you couldn't stand the smell in here, so we've created a poop chute."

"Quick!  We need those bailing buckets after all."

"Noah, don't look at ME like that, these are your boys! 

3 Sons, Their Playful Prince, And A Dishwasher

Thanksgiving's Black Friday finds me listening in on the men's conversations as they install a new dishwasher.  The youngest is Ian, the middle one is Spencer, the older is Calvin, and then there's their dad, John, their playful prince; rather than being group leader he prefers to join in on the laughter -- to be one of the boys.

Spencer:  Where's the drill?

Ian:  You have to master manuel tools before we give you power tools!

Spencer to Calvin:  Did mom send you in here?

Calvin:  I'm here for moral support.

Calvin:  Are you supposed to remove that?

Ian:  Yes, Calvin, it says, "Remove before use."

Ian:  Calvin, you're gonna lean the dishwasher back.

Calvin:  I'm busy (and he yawns and looks away).

Spencer to Calvin:  We have to have the dishwasher over there.

Ian:  Up, dude!  

Calvin:  I asked for power tools to begin with, you gotta work smarter not harder.

(As he pretends to sit) I have a chair right here.  

Dad:  It says installation bracket.  Here's the packet with screws.

Spencer:  They're talking about these tabs, right, Dad?

Ian:  We NEVER put screws in a dishwasher!

Spencer:  Just ignore it.

Ian:  He's a grown man, he's an adult, he can do this.

Spencer:  We have to tighten this.

Dad:  If it doesn't leak, we can go with it.

Dad:  Sit it down, Calvin.

Ian:  Gently.  Please.

Calvin:  Can you not do that?

Ian:  Let's get the thing in here, come on, guys, let's just do it.  It's just sitting here.

Calvin:  Don't move!!!

Spencer:  Coming down!  It's coming your way!

Dad:  Guide it.

Spencer:  Okay, Calvin, 

Calvin:  Over top it, around it, where's this go?

Calvin:  Dad, are we going to set this dishwasher on top of this wire?

Dad:  No.

Spencer:  There's a channel, we're good to go!

Dad:  Set it down.

Spencer:  No, don't set it down!  Lean it toward Ian!

Calvin:  Yes, lean it toward Ian.

Spencer:  Now, gently come down, gently come down.

Dad:  Push it in.

Spencer:  Nice and easy.

(Note:  Originally I wanted white to match the rest of the kitchen, but settled on stainless steel since it was such a good deal.  And, I'd told the boys that stainless steel shows fingerprints, another reason I was in the market for white.  Of course, they had to tease me about my relenting.)

Calvin:  Look at this nice and shiny steel.

Ian:  The more you talk the more you stir things up, just keep quiet.

Spencer:  She chose it.

Calvin:  Yah, but she really wanted white.

Ian:  Shush, keep it down.

Ian to Spencer:  You can do it, you're an electrician, that got fired, but you can do it.

Ian:  I put mine through the channels so you can just ignore my wires.

Dad:  Also, it says ........

Calvin:  Look Dad, I found it!

Ian:  What?

Calvin:  A level !  (and he begins singing) "I put one foot in front of the other."

Ian:  I gotta connect that drain thing, Calvin give me a screwdriver!

(Presently my new-fangled, LED lit, smart Wi-Fi dishwasher will be usable.

Well, it'll be usable in a minute or two, gotta check for stains first, blood stains!)

Dad:  Let's close the door.

Calvin:  I tried but Spencer won't let me.

Spencer:  OW!  DON'T CLOSE THE DOOR!  My fingers are in there!

The ABC's of Boyhood

 The ABC's of BOYHOOD

A - ACRONYM - When naming your progeny, watch the acronym.   Arnold Stephen Parker, what a sneaky snake, ASP!   Peter Owen O'Brien, ew, POO!   Zachery Allen Perry, he'll be ZAPped daily!  Don't do it!

B - BAT - Refrain from giving a boy a bat, his toy truck might sub for a baseball, and he might think Gunner the dog can play catch.

C - CHALK - Has many uses -- learning to write one's name,  drawing stick figures, making railroad tracks and racing ovals on the sidewalk, swallowing, choking, colored vomit.

D - DRY WALL - Hole in the drywall?  They'll just hang a picture over it.  Mom won't discover for 5 years!!!

E - EXCAVATION - Excavating's okay 'til the hole's so deep it needs shoring.   You will have to explain that shoring doesn't mean building up the walls like a bank.  They'll think you mean "when you hit water get out uncle's oars to head to shore."

F - FOOD - This is it's own ABC's.  A - Always have some.  B - Backup, always have some.  C - Carrots, always have some.  THEY won't eat carrots, YOU will always have some.

G - GOLF CLUB - Hide all golf clubs, not everything swung at will first rest on a tee.

H - HOLES - In the yard you just need to know that they exist and where they exist, from golfing holes to dog dug holes to "Let's bury her Little Pony!" holes.

I - INSECTS - Give 'em a magnifying glass on a sunny day and they can use the rays on insects as a precursor to becoming CSI agents.  It's a goal!

J - JUMP -  When they become teenagers and take 45 minute naps in the shower under hot water, just expect it.  Your water bill will JUMP!

K - KNIVES - Sharp, dull, paring, butcher, washed, dirty - doesn't matter, bloody skin can be achieved even with a butter knife.

L - LAUNDRY CHUTE - Keep full of dirty clothes.  If empty, pre-teens can, and will, hand down to their sibling  below, their infant brother!

M - MATCHES - Look cool, taste cool, smell cool, are fuel!

N - NOT ME, IT WASN'T ME!  Those words, the backbone of life, are learned at birth.  Once out of the womb, just before inserting right thumb, your precious, innocent infant will look at you while you're still recovering from the pain of it all and utter, "Not Me, It Wasn't Me!" 

O - OVER MY DEAD BODY!  Another string of words that become a parental staple.  If it's someone other than you saying it, you'd better investigate before the coroner does.

P - PIT - You know where that pit is, even if you only see the crown of their brown hair!  Digging a six-foot pit has benefits -- time-consuming, uses up energy, centralizes tools and terrorists. 

Q - QUALITY INN'S POOL - A teenager infested indoor pool of  manmade waves bounding over the edges and ledges will assume the nature of a tsunami.  Clerks ramp up charges!

R - ROCKS -  Oh, for the love of rocks; to load a toy backhoe bucket, to dare a monster truck's climb, to fill pockets, to dam water, to wallow in your mouth until they're clean, to clog mom's clothes machine.

S - STICKS - All sticks, all the time, many uses, any time.  Whacker, smacker, scepter, sword, lightsaber, wand, rapier, pointer, ant ramp, security alert, and gun!  RUN!  

T - TREE TRIMMERS - Know where they are at all times, even glancing out the window to see neighbors evergreens being de-branched by your own little hellions, know that that is where your tree trimmers are.

U - UNDER COVER - Moving lumps, about the size of a child's head, under a blanket on the floor, indicates the other child poised on the bed MUST be stopped, especially mid-leap!

W - WADING POOL - Every family needs one.  Maybe, two.  One in the attic for backup.  They hold water, wild turtles, baby ducks, miscellaneous collections, and dirt piles.  They don't hold up as a landing during an Evil Knieval tricycle jump.  Keep tissues handy but a dirty sleeve will do.

X - X-RAY!  Yes, when the chubby girl in second grade lands on your skinny boy during gym and breaks him, you will need an x-ray.  Thankfully, collar bones heal quickly.

Y - Y, Why?  That is a question.  A question repeated until the end of time, your life-time.  Don't let it drive you crazy, avoid therapy by keeping handy the only reasonable answer "Because."  

Z - ZOOM -  Boys' got it, boys use it, boys regenerate it with naps.  Beware!  It's a repeating cycle; ZOOM, ZOOM, nap, ZOOM, ZOOM, nap, ZOOM ZZZZZzzzzzzzzz........

From A to Z, you and he will survive boyhood.  Grab a nap.

In the meantime, if you text your husband asking for help, beware, he will laugh, "I just read your joke -- Me Time!" 

Run The Dishwasher Twice - a purloined article

 Note from Pamela:  I did NOT write this.  Yet I find it so thought-provoking that I want to put it here. 

To my followers, if you're ever having a bad day, remember there are no rules, just the ones set by God.  The unspoken ruless existing in your head don't have to be followed.  Read this:

RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE.

"When I was at one of my lowest (mental) points in life, I couldn’t get out of bed some days. I had no energy or motivation and was barely getting by.

I had therapy once per week, and on this particular week I didn’t have much to ‘bring’ to the session. He asked how my week was and I really had nothing to say.

“What are you struggling with?” he asked.

I gestured around me and said “I dunno man. Life.”

Not satisfied with my answer, he said “No, what exactly are you worried about right now? What feels overwhelming? When you go home after this session, what issue will be staring at you?”

I knew the answer, but it was so ridiculous that I didn’t want to say it.

I wanted to have something more substantial.

Something more profound.

But I didn’t.

So I told him, "Honestly? The dishes. It's stupid, I know, but the more I look at them the more I CAN’T do them because I’ll have to scrub them before I put them in the dishwasher, because the dishwasher sucks, and I just can’t stand and scrub the dishes.”

I felt like an idiot even saying it.

What kind of grown-ass woman is undone by a stack of dishes? There are people out there with *actual* problems, and I’m whining to my therapist about dishes?

But, my therapist nodded in understanding and then said:

“RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE.”

I began to tell him that you’re not supposed to, but he stopped me.

“Why the hell aren’t you supposed to? If you don’t want to scrub the dishes and your dishwasher sucks, run it twice. Run it three times, who cares?! Rules do not exist, so stop giving yourself rules.”

It blew my mind in a way that I don’t think I can properly express.

That day, I went home and tossed my smelly dishes haphazardly into the dishwasher and ran it three times.

I felt like I had conquered a dragon.

The next day, I took a shower lying down.

A few days later, I folded my laundry and put it wherever the fuck they fit.

There were no longer arbitrary rules I had to follow, and it gave me the freedom to make accomplishments again.

Now that I’m in a healthier place, I rinse off my dishes and put them in the dishwasher properly. I shower standing up. I sort my laundry.

But, at a time when living was a struggle instead of a blessing, I learned an incredibly important lesson:

THERE ARE NO RULES.

RUN THE DISHWASHER TWICE!!!"

Author unknown

KAYLEE'S LUNCHTIME HORRORS

 The little thing was explosive and chattering away like an offended monkey.  

She parked her little 8 y.o. body right behind the bus driver, my hubby, and kept up a stream of irratated verbiage.

He says he couldn't hear all of it, there were other sounds -- heater fan, students jabbers -- so he only heard snippets, maybe a third; but enough to piece together Kaylee's lunchtime horrors.

Kaylee usually sits with the girls.  Today she had to sit with the boys.  And Boaz was "di-sgusting".  Yes, the way she said it, you have to put the syllable break right after the "di".

"Boaz was di-sgusting!"

"He took the lid off of his applesauce cup and licked it with his tongue.  Di-sgusting!"

"Then he burped his ABC's!  Di-sgusting!"

The other boys at the table kept saying, "Chug.  Chug.  Chug."  "He chugged his milk and it came out his nose.  Di-sgusting!"

Hubby bus driver suggested to her, "I think he likes you."

Instantly, affronted, "Ew, I hope I never have to sit there again.  Di-sgusting!"

"Just Get A Toy Out Of The Tote!"

"Shoot!"  I can't find it!

I dropped my white framed glasses.  When I retrived them from under the table where I'd been addressing birthday cards, the left lens was missing.  "Shoot!  Now I'm going to have to get down on my hands and knees like a fat fluffy St. Bernard sniffing and nudging snow."  Near-sighted, I am, you know.

"Can't find it!"  I'll wait until DH, darling hubby, comes home to see if he can see it.  Or when I sweep maybe it'll make a chinking sound.

Nevermind. It came to me.  

I've been babysitting Miss Lilly and Master Jacob.  He's only been walking a few weeks but he's a master.  He goes fast, he goes high, he goes low, and he's strong.  He can push, or pull anything.  "Jacob!  Just get a toy out of the tote!  You don't need to pull the whole tote out into the middle of the floor, baby."

Speaking of strong, well I wasn't, I was speaking of his love of clear crystal, but for now I'll speak of strong.  We've lived here since 1987, that makes it....uh...33 years.  When we bought the house it came with a phone jack almost in every room - bedrooms, den, living room, kitchen, and yes, even the bathroom.  You and I know those white square connectors on the wall are for landline phones.  Yet,  I have to explain.  The younger generation will one day hold it up and say, "Name that tool.  Prizes awarded for best guess."

Anyway, a white phone jack had been screwed into the baseboard, beside my computer desk, since the house's creation in 1973.  It survived 6 boys from birth to wi-fi modem; from wrecking Crash Dummy cars, to coverage from flung Tommy Hilfiger t-shirts. 

Today, 2020, almost 50 years later, death and destruction.  Not only did Master Jacob yank that jack off the wall, he drug it 3 feet into the middle of the family room!  "Stro-ong BOY!"  

Remember that one?  "Stro-ong BOY!"  Strong Boy was an animated character in the cartoon Mighty Heroes in the 60's.  Anyway, I digress.

Master Jacob was walking by with tightly pursed lips.  "Ut-oh!"  I went fishing.  Yep, he had a crystal in his mouth.  One of those tear drop light catchers that dangle from lamps.  Evidently, he'd yanked one from the bedroom lamp.  I never did find the little wire that kept it connected to that lamp.  That's another, "Ut-oh!"

Later, instead of stuffing the newest object in his mouth, he silently toddled up to my knees and handed me a clear cap to a spray bottle.  "Sheesh, where'd you get that, little guy?"  Another mystery.  None of my bottles are missing caps.  

So, what?  What?  Do these things come to him at the snap of a finger like Samantha of Bewitched?

And then it came to me.  I didn't have to meditate, I didn't have to seek the Good Lord, I didn't have to ask DH to get on all fours, my memory wasn't recalling either, it just came to me.

He was bright eyed, he was happy, he was talking jibberish, and he was slobbering.  He pouted his lips, he reached into his mouth, he pulled it out, and he handed it to me.  

He handed it to me as if he was giving me a tortilla chip dripping salsa.  I gladly accepted, slobbers and all, "MY LENS!  Jacob!  Where'd you find it?"

One day he's gonna flex his biceps, fists up, and open his mouth to speak.  With a lisp we'll hear, " 'tho-ong BOY!"

Sons Shaking & Shaking Spices

"La cu-ca-ra-cha, La cu-ca-ra-cha!"  You can sing it, "La cu-ca-ra-cha, La cu-ca-ra-cha!", and, picture it.  Here he comes!  At shoulder heightl, he's shaking maracas!  

Short, stout, young, excited, using newly found walking legs he comes stepping around the corner of the kitchen's pony wall happily shaking a pair of spice jars, one in each hand.  Spice jars?  Yes, spice jars.  The peppercorns and mustard seeds make great rattles for one happy little toddler.

This wasn't Master Jacob's first foray into my cupboards.  Earlier he pulled out a couple bottles of vinegar and rolled them this way and that like rolling pins on dough.  I figured he was thirsty 'cause he picked up one and upended it like a bottle of milk.  Shew, still screwed!  He hasn't mastered removing a cap yet!

With a sippy cup of water from GrammyPam, Jacob stayed sitting there patting a vinegar bottle like a pet dog.

This isn't my first repurcussion for switching cabinet contents.  Where Jacob found the spices is where I used to keep pots and pans.  A few years back, I switched them.  Clinton, Jacob's dad, was still living at home and upset at the time.

For many months after, he would complain, "22 years the cereal's been in the pantry!  22 years!"  ROFL.  Even though today he has his own home and family he's just now getting used to my switch.  

This day he looked at his son Jacob, looked at me, and shook his head.  Jacob can shake his spice, Clinton can shake his head, but I'm a mind reader, and I could read his thoughts, ROFL, "22 years!  22 years!"

"Everybody! Maracas high!  Sing it, "La cu-ca-ra-cha, la cu-ca-ra-cha"!

 

Pumpkins, Everyone, Pumpkins! Great!

She must've found a safe place to stand away from the trajectory of the attic ladder because I never hit her!  Not once!  Even though I was throwing pumpkins like giant orange hail from the sky, not one bounced off of her.

Nikki, Ian's girlfriend, was choosing which plastic treat-holding pumpkins she and he wanted for their trek on Halloween day, whether wicked grin, ghostly white, or purple.  

That was day one.

Day two I grew pumpkin cookies.  Add a little baking soda to flour and flavoring and you can swell up cookies nicely in a hot oven.  I counted three and a half dozen, which could've been four, except I kept tasting the batter, yu-um.

They sleep.  And if I park at the mailbox, the dog won't bark and the kids won't hark.  I propped three pumpkins on oldest son's porch steps for each of his kids -- candy, creepy crawlies, and googly eyed headbands they contained.  The family wasn't supposed to discover that the little plastic ghost for the baby was motion detecting.  But they did.  And they played hide and seek.  Hey, do you know what's white, says boo, and runs like the wind?  A plastic ghost gobbled by the family dog!  

On the run, day three done!

Like the great pumpkin, not in girth, thank you, I was delivering pumpkins on the fly.  From the comfort of my Dodge Ram, I am.  Most everyone is on Fall break, even bus drivers.  A co-conspirator is willing John, and I quote, "These taste gr-rea-t!"

What was in store for day four?  Well, we're still growing pumpkins, out of hay bales.  Yep, out of hay bales.  You get the picture, stand a bale in third son's yard, poke in scarecrows on a stick, add a flying witch, and some hollow plastic pumpkins, drop in some pumpkin walnut cookies and you're an evil hay bale pumpkin grower.  Why evil?  Because I added a sign that said "$1 Sale".  Goblins and ghouls and vampires that drool can just knock on his door at all hours for a cheap-y thrill, bwahahahahahaaaaaa.

The other pumpkin growing hay bale sprouted a sign saying "welcome" and was plopped at the bachelor pad, the youngest sons being at work.  John poked in a coat hanger hook, I hung the pumpkin filled with cookies on it, and off we flew, like Linus' great pumpkin!  It took forever for those bachelors to discover those cookies?!  The neighborhood squirrels came and ate the nuts.  The rest of the cookies laid there in the rain water and like tadpoles grew legs and hopped out! 

Day five, leave them behind to go to her behind, not mine!  You got it, cookies in a jack o'lantern gift box were given to cousin -- walnuts, cloves, fat calories, all those!  I didn't aim to add "fat calories".  I didn't read it on the ingredient list, but I'm told by professionals that they are in there.  Doctor to nurse, "Suction!  We need suction!"  

Like Jacob Marley's ghost, Jacob the grandson, stood on his two year old wobbly feet and rattled his chain for all it's worth!  It was plastic, it was gray, it was chunky, it was the best thing in his pumpkin bucket.  When Lilly saw us, pumpkins in hand, she jumped off the couch, "Twick or Tweet!" so excited, then her head went in her pumpkin, "Ew, spider.  It's a spider!"

Weaving a web, I am.  Wringing hands in witchy glee, I'll pinch those plump little cheeks, 

"Children, come to me!" 

"Ahhhhh,"  Lilly squealed and ran around the corner, I chased with a cackle, "A-ha-ha-ha-haaa!"

For Fall break's final day, I'm conjuring my witchy ways and casting my spells.  Lilly's off to find a safe place to hide, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!  "Will she?"

Jeweled Leaves Under Foot

I went to jail.  Yep.  Yes, I did.  Even though it was my birthday weekend, I had to spend time in jail.

It was a beautfiul Sunday in October, crisp and clean air, crunch of jeweled leaves under foot, and the smell of dinner long past.  

The day was coming to a close and so was my birthday weekend.  Still, I had to go to jail!

Ian had kindly offered to buy my meal after church and since I'm not a person who likes to eat out, I opted for food dishes from the deli.  We had broasted chicken, pea salad, potato salad, pasta salad, broccoli salad, Pringles, and John made us a pot of spaghetti to top off the meal, especially for the little ones.

Through miscommunication we ended up with the toddlers Alayna, and Lilly, and kindergartener Jayden so the spaghetti was more their cuisine.  They flanked me on either side "I like broccoli, can I have yours?" said the boy.  "No!  I don't wanna eat," from one girl.  And, "Slur-r-r-rp...." from the other girl as she hung spaghetti in the air on her fork and hovered it over her cavernous mouth to suck it in.  What messes!

Remember...this is my birthday.  LOL.  And, though unusual, it was happy.

It started Saturday with a visit from sis.  She didn't bring me a regular cake, she brought me cheesecake, strawberry cheesecake!  Yum!  There's still some left, you can't have some, I'll eat the rest today, eeeeee.

Actually, Saturday was my birthday, but Rusty and wife had planned a party for Alayna who's birthday is 2 days before mine.  So, we were at their house eating donuts, drinking hot chocolate, taking family photos, and visiting with her side of the family when Spencer said, "Wait."  He hands me a thick loosely wrapped 6 in. square object.  It was a hand made glass trivet of Tybee Island light house!  Beautiful!  A beautiful blue!  I love it!  Such a thoughtful gift.  

Now, what was unusual about that, you're wondering.  Well, this gift "came without ribbons or tag, it came without boxes or bag" but it did have his handwriting on the crumpled wrapping paper.  It read   

"MOM Christmas (fragile)".  "B-day"

Christmas was crossed off and B-day written in it's place!   LOL, now I'm wondering, what am I getting for Christmas?  Huh, huh, huh, that's my next curious question.  

Oh, but you wanna know 'bout jail.

Okay, back to where we were -- at home, after the meal, and one set of parents has arrived.  Kids are running amok, men are in the new garage, one mom is off to town, another mom is nursing a headache on the couch.  

Early, yes, early last week, while it was still warm outside, I set up candy canes in the front yard.  I'm making a Christmas trail.   It winds around the huge tree, around the water feature, up and over the stumpery, and across the balance log.

I sowed grass seed, strew straw, drove stakes in the ground, and slid large plastic candy canes over the stakes.  It's not done.  Still need lights.  But these little kids are out there running amok -- pulling up canes, uncovering the stakes, and using them as swords!    

Parked at the base of the maple tree for the ducks to cozy up to is an oval mirror but little Alayna dances in front of it, LOL, and quickly changes direction to chase ducks.  Then the kids beg to be pushed in the swing so we have to watch for baby Jacob, who's still new to walking, as he nears the swing.  He has a cane, too, how he managed that, I don't know.  He even managed to hook himself once, "Waaaaaa".  GrammyPam to the rescue! 

Oh, yes, I digress.  Going to jail.

Well, I'm in the new garage 'cause baby Jacob heard a loud motor noise and wanted to see.  We toddled over to the open garage door to see his daddy and Grandpa tuning and revving up a chain saw.  Those red screwdrivers looked interesting and they were eye level so Jacob takes one in each hand.  Dadddy laughs but isn't sure someone wobbly on their feet should have a spear!

Here's come Alayna - bouncy, head strong, drama queen.  She pinches a goodly amount of material of my skirt and begins tugging, hard, "Come on, GrammyPam."  

"What do you want?   Where are we going?" are many questions I ask.

And she's pulling hard.  If I were to disconnect, she'd end up on her butt.  "Where are we going?"

She smirks a straight line smile, "To jail."

"To jail???  What are you talking about?  Where's jail?"  And she points to the rock bed between the deck and steps, "There."

"Why am I in jail?"

"You were bad", and she crosses her arms and stands guard.

I think I took too long with baby Jacob in the new garage, I think I was supposed to give her another turn on the swing.   Anyway, I remained in jail until Jayden came and bailed me out.  With a slight pull, my veiny hand in his soft baby hand, I was encouraged to return to their society.

And that was the highlights of my unusual Happy Birthday weekend, in and out of jail, LOL.

Thank you for my birthday wishes.

Thank God for my many blessings, and those toddlers -- those jeweled leaves under foot.

Bat Crossed The Moon, Owl Saw

Bat crossed the moon,

Owl saw with one eye,

Down; flutter & swoop

To Spider he did fly.

“Tis time!  Awake!

It’s All Hallow’s Eve!

We’ve a midnight date

There’s much to achieve!”

“Awake, web weaver,

Stop hanging around.

Time to stir mummies

Slumbering below-ground.”

“Owl!  Give a hoot!

Call the ghosts to float

With moans & groans

Zombies’ll take note!

“Cometh The Master,

The DEVIL, we say,

Through fire & embers

Before break o’ day!”

“Awake!  Arise!

Through flame & smoke

There’s much to do

‘fore Master’s awoke!”

Horrors! And, The Movie!

HORRORS!  AND, THE MOVIE!

It's on!  Let's go!

We have to see it!  Yes!  Yes, I know, I see it every year!  I still want to see it.

Hocus Pocus with the Sanderson sisters is on!  We must see it, it's October!  "Bubble, bubble, I'm in trouble" and, thinking of the plot ahead, not just of the black flame candle, "Let's light this sucker and meet the old broads!"

This year the Diana Theatre in Tipton is showing it for 4 days and I wanna go!  We talked Ian and girlfriend Nikki into going, then encouraged Spencer to tag along.  What fun, the 5 of us!

And then it began
with a one-legged man
who entered the show,
and wouldn't you know,
he sat in our row
four seats away
before the movie could play.

LOL, "Hi, Uncle Manny!"  Definitely a relative!

Arms laden with bags of buttered popcorn, big swigs of Coca-cola, and Air Head strips we file into the theatre.   It's not long before we hear from the speakers, "Look!  The woods!  They conjure!  Dani, come back!"

And, we're off.  Dani is off following the Mary witch, and we're off into the spirit land of black vats, black cats, zombies, and spells.

Horrors, the writers made two mistakes.  If the Sanderson witches were from 1693 Winnie wouldn't have a clue what she was saying, "Pull over!  Let me see your driver's permit."

And reemerging in 1993 there wouldn't be understanding about the idiom "It's curtains!  We evaporate!  We cease to exist!"   "It's curtains" wasn't a idoim until the 1920's.  Oh, the horrors of anachronisms.

And continuity mistakes?  I get in trouble all the time for pointing them out.  "Mom!  Just enjoy the movie!"  I laugh at times when others didn't laugh, and they laugh at times I didn't laugh.  It's an age difference.  Cousin Jack says our age group has a different, gentler sense of humor.

So, when I went out to get sweet snacks, I told the old Greek concession stand man that we needed more food, the previews were taking a while to get to the movie, he said, "That's to give all the rowdies time to settle in."  I looked at him wide-eyed, "How'd you know?  I've already been in trouble.  My son told me to shush!" and we laughed together.

The movie finally began and we immersed ourselves into All Hallow's Eve, "I put a spell on you, and now you're mine!" sang the sisters.

And that couldn't be more true..."It's a full moon tonight. That's when all the weirdos are out."

It was, you know, the full moon was out.  On the way to the theatre, we stopped the truck, 3 of us bailed, one to look under the truck for drips,  two to open the hood and check the dipstick (not a person).  Our oil pressure gauge had dropped to zero!

I looked at the orange, full harvest moon with squinty eyes.

They decided it was a bad sensor, our oil pressure was fine.  We made it, just in time.

In the middle of the movie when the witches cast a spell, "Wiggle thy toes, open thine eyes, twist thy fingers toward the sky" I wondered how a zombie can cut the stitches on his own lips without a mirror.  But, "Shush, watch the screen."

"Those aren't snakes," I tell them about the pink curlers in the hair of the woman that the witches thought to be Medusa, "I have those same curlers.  3 sets actually," and if eyes could speak, there'd be a spell on me!

Well, as the quote goes "The witches are dead, my soul's finally free" and the movie's ending.  In my case, my fun, Halloween movie, thrill seeking soul is free for another year ... until the next Hocus Pocus is due.

But the horrors haven't ceased.  The others exit ahead of me, and most of the theatre's cleared when I spy this older lady collapsed in an odd position.  Actually, in her dark clothes of many layers she looks like a bag lady.  She's still seated in her theatre seat, her head lags to her right, her eyes are tight shut, her hand is submerged in her popcorn bag sitting on the floor, and her left hand is in a fist.  I'm studying, trying to determine if she's alseep or, horrors, if she's dead.

Looking to the 3 women behind her, I asked, "Is she with you?"  No.  "Do you think she's asleep or something else?"  My minds thinking a hundred thoughts, one is to go get the old Greek man, when the oldest of the three shakes the lady pretty good.

She starts, her eyes pop open, she looks around at all of us, and draws her fist back.

Ut oh.
What's this all about, what's happening here?  I've seen enough to know someone coming out of a stroke or a nightmare or a drug induced state can be violent.  So, I step back.

She disgustedly utters while swinging her fist forward right in front of herself, "Durn!  I missed the ending!"

Shew!

Horrors, but good endings!  Time to uncurl my own toes, and go.

Miss Lilly - Little Joys, Big Toys

MISS LILLY - LITTLE JOYS, BIG TOYS

"Gator!"  Miss Lilly spied the rear end of our mower and thought it was a Gator like the one she rides at her other grandpa's house.  She insisted on a ride.  I told her it wasn't a Gator it was a Zero Turn, so she went to Grandpa John, "I wanna ride your zebra turn."  LOL!  

Since John was feeling bad, It ended up her dad, Clint, took her a couple laps around the yard, and every time she got near me she raised both arms up "Whee" like she was on a roller coaster ride!  LOL, the little joys.

***

After church Miss Lilly's parents commented that they wanted to come to over, but I wasn't feeling up to it, and I hadn't prepped the house for visitors, so, I used the excuse that I hadn't swept my floors.  It matters 'cause Lilly's brother, Master Jacob, crawls and taste tests every little thing.  

Guess she really wanted to come to GrammyPam's because once we were seated next to each other at the restaurant, it was obvious they had given Miss Lilly some explanation, she said strongly, "GwammyPam.  Sweep.  Your.  Floors."  ROFL! 

***

Early one Saturday we took Miss Lilly and her dad with us to get lag bolts and a garden hose at Home Depot.  The men wondered if we should get a shopping cart.  "I'll show you what to do" as I headed for a supply cart.  I call it a rolling play ground, LOL. 

It's wide and comfortable enough for a kid to sit Indian style, cross legged, especially when they're tired or their feet don't like their shoes.  We'd done it before with Jaden and her.

While John and Clint were immersed in hunting lag bolts Lilly reached into a bin and got herself some jumbo wood screws.  She lined them up, blew on them, and when they "accidentally" fell over she claimed, "I blew out the candles."

She's a candle!
She's a bright light in our life, whee!

Jacob -- A Little Yodel With Rings, Flings, and Clanks

Master Jacob yodels.  He turns his head up to you, his bright eyes excited, and talks in jibber-jabbers, but with the way his little tongue folds in and out, and the gutteral and falsetto sounds that come from him, you'd swear he's yodeling!

Since he's under a year old, I picked him up to introduce him to our wind chimes.  He's discovered that if he throws up his arms, someone will pick him up, LOL.  So, I did. 

He wasn't sure about being face level with the chimes.  His little fist gingerly reached out to one, and gave it a bat, but he was very studious about it all.  He wasn't sure he liked the loud unusual ringing sounds.

And as sounds go, after church we went to KOTO, a new Japanese hibachi grill where I was holding Jacob when the teppanyaki chef lit the fire.  Boy, did the instant flicking, rising, searing flames scare him!  He reared back and trembled, poor little guy.

Jacob's always wanted to walk, he's wanted to get to Miss Lilly so he could play!  Watching his eyes you can see what he's thinking,  He's thinking she's great!  And exciting!

So, when I rearranged the corner toy bookcase, that was perfect for him.  He could get right in there with the rest of the kids.  Jacob's toys, since he's still a crawler, got put at the end for easy access; nothing in front to hinder his reach.

It was a hit.  Jayden, his older cousin, walked up, chose a toy he hadn't played with in a while, pulled it down, and since it had all the pieces exclaimed "You found Batman!"  Miss Lilly played with a small princess house that had been buried.  And then, Master Jacob stood on wobbly feet, with his back to us, and began emptying his tote -- "Fling" went the rattle, "Fling" went stuffed Humpty Dumpty, "Fling" went teething toy, and "Fling" went a 100 more!!!!  Tossing toys over his shoulder, Jacob had a field day!

Got loose at church, he did.  I'd had him, but he wiggled and squirmed and struggled to get loose.  "Free at last" he crawled to Aunt Mary.  We already had a plan in place for this contingency.  He managed to get free from her, too, while she was distracted.

With a wispy grin, and smiling eyes, Mom got him!  He was on his way back to me, with a toy in his left hand, when she emerged from the restroom and retrieved her son.  

There was no subtility, there was no sneaking, there was no getting by.  Like a pirate with a wooden leg, he clanked as he crawled -- crawl, clank, crawl, clank, crawl, clank.  Hot Wheel cars clutched in the hand aren't quiet, you know.  LOL.

Master Jacob can crawl faster than you can turn around and shut the bathroom door!  Shifting to sit on his bottom, he can tell you all about it, in the language of yodel.

Alayna -- Catchers, Ducks, & Chocolate Goo

Hopping up onto the deck, after running her little legs off chasing the ducks, Alayna with toddler squeaky voice complained, "I can't get a duck, him too fast", gasp, gasp.  


***

Alayna ALWAYS frowns when she realizes you're going to take her picture, then when Amanda, her mother, says, "Smile, Alayna, smile."  She gives you the biggest sweetest grin!  She's quite a girl -- bouncy, strong, loyal to her brother, head strong, mannerly, and a go-getter. 

4th of July was simple; it was fun, and they all left late and happy.  After the grilling and eating, and the kids playing in the wading pools we went to the wood pile at the barn where we pulled out some brush to build a very small bonfire to roast marshmallows and make s'mores.  We sat in lawn chairs and on the tailgates while kids sat in a red cloth-sided wagon.  Later they got free to sit on a blanket to play with Piper the cat and some ants, chuckle.

Oh, oh, oh, and Alayna, the 2 y.o. was the high-point of the evening -- she crawled in the truckbed behind our backs and ate ALL of the remaining Hershey chocolate squares!  Oh, my lands, was her face covered in chocolate goo!

And that was our 4th, no fireworks, but we still had sparks -- "ew, ah".

***

The oldest and his family stayed way past John's bedtime.  He had to get up early to go to school and take the kids, too.  He's a bus driver, you know, LOL.  

Anyway, I digress, back to Rusty's family staying late.  It wasn't the parents fault.   We couldn't find the treasured sippy cup.  We looked and looked.  Upstairs.  Downstairs.  Back bedrooms.  Under tables.  In the toy corner.  In the diaper bag.  In the sink, "Did she toss it up and over and we not hear the clank?"  Exhausted, we all stood still looking at each with wide eyes of "I can't imagine" and shrugging shoulders.  Then I spied it.   The cloth was a little bulged and the green top of the sippy cup was peeking at me.  Since it was child high, she must've walked by and just dropped it in -- in the pocket of the armrest remote control caddy!

***

Alayna came to stay for a couple-three hours -- she's no problem.  This bouncy girl entertains herself.  She found John's stash of sun catchers.  He keeps a couple during each season on the dash of his bus then gives them away.   As a group Alayna would move them from room to room upstairs.  

Mostly, they are people like Scarecrow, Mummy, Hawaiin Hulu Girl, Snowman, Santa Claus, Cupid, but today they became something else, she made them "ribbit-ribbit" and hop over each other.  Ne'er was there a frog in the bunch! 

The photo is of the next morning.  The first thing I saw was five of those sun catchers all lined up at the foot of my bed!  Too funny; I didn't see her put them there.

***

Another time we babysat, she gobbled a bowl of spaghetti while pretending she's a hungry hippo, she got read 2 story books, and then John brought her to me, "I don't know what she's doing.  She's limp, not talking, and just stares."  Well, he's a right to be concerned 'cause she's known to have after affects of her mom being on meth while pregnant.  But...with a smile I said, "John, she's just sleepy."  And no sooner did he drop her in my lap but she conked off.  She slept on our bed for an hour.  Amazing.  She trusts us.

***

Let's end with another Alayna and ducks story.  Poor Alayna, outsmarted and tired, she just stands and pants.  She saw the ducks in the pond.  Ran up to one end "I getta duck!" The duck spies her and furiously swims to the opposite end.  They reach the same point at the same time, not to be caught, the duck jumps up, does a 180, jumps back in and furiously swins to where he started.  LOL, so fun to watch!  

And now, we end where we started, "Gasp, gasp!"

CROW, CHICKEN DUCK, CROW!

If you remember my earlier post, you'll know that our baby ducks as they grew would not swim in the pond.  Nor would the chickens roost on the rungs in their coop.  I'd asked the feed and seed store clerk, since the ducks wouldn't swim, and the chickens wouldn't roost, could I have a refund.

He just smiled and shrugged, "They can be dumb sometimes."

Well, there's more.  

I don't know who bred these 2-legged fowls but I'm sure there's been a fence jumper!

The neighbor's dog attacked our biggest and stately white rooster, so the only rooster left was the little red one that we separated once in a while to help it survive and grow.  Since he was bullied he kept himself in the midst of the ducks.  

Not good.

Chicklets and ducklings need parents from which to imprint.  We did not know this.

So, it was "a wonder to behold" when the 3 matured ducks would take off running as they flapped their wings, and then take to the air.  "Quack, quack, quack."  It was always 3 quacks.  And they're gone!  

But wait.  What did I just see???  Oh, good lands, I can't believe this!

The rooster had taken off running with them!  He flapped his wings virilely!  He was "running with the bulls"!  He...he...he slowed and stopped.  Alas, roosters can't fly.

Knowing he hadn't parents or imprinting, last month I loaded some youtube videos of roosters crowing, and went on a campaign of introducing him to them.  I'd prop my phone on the fence post and "cock-a-doodle-do" would reverberate in the yard.  He'd pause, periscope his head, cock and look left, cock and look right, to take it in.   One day he gave a little croak in the middle of the afternoon.  

Sheesh.  That's all we got.

This morning, as I came out of the bathroom, I heard a weird screeching sound.  We get strange sounds all the time.  Sometimes it's teenagers driving by on the highway with windows down and boom boxes rumbling our hill.  Sometimes it's arguing voices from the nearby campsite.  And once in a while we hear the next-door neighbors carrying on.  

When I heard this screeching this morning, my first thought was our renter had brought his kids with him and they were scampering about in the yard, but then my second thought was maybe sis had popped by with her dog and was giving him instructions, but none of those quite clicked.

Going to the window to see who was out there, I heard it again.  It was that dumb rooster!  Thank the Good Lord, he'd learned to crow!!!!

Yet, why did I say "dumb" rooster?  Because the sun wasn't up!  It was still pitch-black out there!  Sigh.

But, hey, he crowed!  He's getting the idea!  He's closer!  He's supposed to crow up the sun!  

Crow!

We'll hold off on that refund, the videos might be paying off.  He may be screeching, he may be a little early, but this is proof he's gonna get it right.  I'm grinning.  

Yay, our rooster cock-a-doodled-dood!