Did you know I was asked to be on the cover of several magazines?
It's true. Yep. Yep, I was!
So, I took myself to the gym. You gotta look your best before a photo shoot, right?
Off to the gym. Took my water bottle. Well, the label said water; it said water.
Mountain Water.
King Mountain Water.
King Mountain Ice Water. Yep. Yep, it did.
Don't look at me like that. I saw the fizzy bubbles, too!
Then I went to get my eyebrows threaded. Gotta get rid of the hair between the eyes, you know. You've seen 'em. You know the kind, the uni-brow. Where your eyebrows go down with a questioning look, but no one can tell, cause the eyebrows remain a single line. Arch 'em in surprise, bug your eyes, no one can tell. Frown in anger, no one can tell. Scream and holler at the kids, give 'em the one-eyed evil eye and furrow the brow, forget it, no on can tell! Uni-brow.
When the Chinese chick finally finished there was enough there to make Barbie's poodle a better sweater!
And finally I decided I'd best get a tummy tuck. First place I went into the Japanese gentleman, I guess you can call him a gentle man, fairly yelled as he was bowing me out the door, "No, no! So sorry. No tum tuck."
Next place couple blocks down, another gentle man said, "Oh, so, you want tuck tuck". And he pat-slapped my back side. "No, tummy tuck", I corrected him. Then he squeezed my upper arm, "Tuck tuck?" again I restated, "No, tummy tuck." He looked at my mid-section, then he say, "Have customer waiting, You go now."
I was so embarrassed I backed out the door red-faced and was bowing myself, "So sorry. So sorry. I go now."
What magazines wanted me on their cover? Well, Cover Girl called, they wanted me in their before picture!
Cosmos called said my photograph would be most appreciated, they wanted the perfect model for "What Not To Be"!
When Sports Illustrated called I had my doubts but they convinced me. The cover photo came out pretty good. I'd sat on the hood of the Lexus, arms back, voluptuous chest out, one knee bent with high heeled shoe strategically hooked in the chrome bumper, other leg stretched out showing my curvaceous calf, with a cute yellow polka dot bikini astride my hips. All very good. Well, mostly very good. It was photoshopped...nothing left but the bikini!
I told Redbook all that had happened, said I wasn't interested. They said not to worry, none of that would happen with them, they'd put my full body out there, just like the Dove soap girls.
Persuaded, I went. It was their Valentine's Issuse for February. Nice. I like red. I like chocolates and roses strewn about. This was gonna be a life-changing experience!
There it lay, on the coffee table, Redbook magazine, full body photo, little arrows pointing here and little arrows pointing there. Ha, ha, you know the song, "Little arrows in your clothing, little arrows in your hair, you'll find those little arrows everywhere."
There was a little arrow pointing to my under-eye, "Maxine Concealer needed here."
There was a little arrow pointing to my lips, "L'oreal Lip Liner needed here."
There was a little arrow pointing to my cheek bones, "Botox needed here."
And the pièce de résistance, a little arrow pointing to my navel, "Tummy tuck needed here."
Tummy tuck? Tum tuck! Shoot! I go now!
Off to the gym. Took my water bottle. Well, the label said water; it said water.
Mountain Water.
King Mountain Water.
King Mountain Ice Water. Yep. Yep, it did.
Don't look at me like that. I saw the fizzy bubbles, too!
Then I went to get my eyebrows threaded. Gotta get rid of the hair between the eyes, you know. You've seen 'em. You know the kind, the uni-brow. Where your eyebrows go down with a questioning look, but no one can tell, cause the eyebrows remain a single line. Arch 'em in surprise, bug your eyes, no one can tell. Frown in anger, no one can tell. Scream and holler at the kids, give 'em the one-eyed evil eye and furrow the brow, forget it, no on can tell! Uni-brow.
When the Chinese chick finally finished there was enough there to make Barbie's poodle a better sweater!
And finally I decided I'd best get a tummy tuck. First place I went into the Japanese gentleman, I guess you can call him a gentle man, fairly yelled as he was bowing me out the door, "No, no! So sorry. No tum tuck."
Next place couple blocks down, another gentle man said, "Oh, so, you want tuck tuck". And he pat-slapped my back side. "No, tummy tuck", I corrected him. Then he squeezed my upper arm, "Tuck tuck?" again I restated, "No, tummy tuck." He looked at my mid-section, then he say, "Have customer waiting, You go now."
I was so embarrassed I backed out the door red-faced and was bowing myself, "So sorry. So sorry. I go now."
What magazines wanted me on their cover? Well, Cover Girl called, they wanted me in their before picture!
Cosmos called said my photograph would be most appreciated, they wanted the perfect model for "What Not To Be"!
When Sports Illustrated called I had my doubts but they convinced me. The cover photo came out pretty good. I'd sat on the hood of the Lexus, arms back, voluptuous chest out, one knee bent with high heeled shoe strategically hooked in the chrome bumper, other leg stretched out showing my curvaceous calf, with a cute yellow polka dot bikini astride my hips. All very good. Well, mostly very good. It was photoshopped...nothing left but the bikini!
I told Redbook all that had happened, said I wasn't interested. They said not to worry, none of that would happen with them, they'd put my full body out there, just like the Dove soap girls.
Persuaded, I went. It was their Valentine's Issuse for February. Nice. I like red. I like chocolates and roses strewn about. This was gonna be a life-changing experience!
There it lay, on the coffee table, Redbook magazine, full body photo, little arrows pointing here and little arrows pointing there. Ha, ha, you know the song, "Little arrows in your clothing, little arrows in your hair, you'll find those little arrows everywhere."
There was a little arrow pointing to my under-eye, "Maxine Concealer needed here."
There was a little arrow pointing to my lips, "L'oreal Lip Liner needed here."
There was a little arrow pointing to my cheek bones, "Botox needed here."
And the pièce de résistance, a little arrow pointing to my navel, "Tummy tuck needed here."
Tummy tuck? Tum tuck! Shoot! I go now!
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